Remember when Felicity cut her hair?

I know I'm not the only Felicity fan out there. Remember at the beginning of season 2, how she cut her hair and the fans thought she was crazy? Well so did I!

Ok where am I going with this? Well, it's a great segue into my latest hair update. I know, I know, I've made so many promises these last 6 months about how often I'd post pics, but once a month (ish) is still pretty good!

I like to refer to my latest phase of hair as the "Felicity".

The picture doesn't do the curls justice. Plus, I am amazingly bad at taking a pic of the back of my head, but trust me, it's crazy curly!

Here it is with a side by side with Keri Russell. Try not to focus on how gorgeous she is, but on her curly locks. (Hard I know...)

Side note: not only am I impressed that I correctly put two photos in a blog post, but I actually combined two for a side-by-side shot!

People are shocked at how curly it is. Evidently nobody seems to remember that I actually had curly hair, I just spent hours straightening it.  It is, however, much softer, curlier and not as frizzy as it used to be. Ask me one day and I'll tell you I love it. Talk to me the next and I hate it. As of right now I'm going to keep it short for a while because that seems to be the consensus vote. (Thanks for the compliments by the way!) I am back to rocking my expensive Anthropoligie headbands every day which makes me happy.

At this point, most people who haven't seen me in a while don't have a clue that I went through chemo. Most just tell me they like my hair. I've seemed to move into the "she just has a short haircut" phase rather than "oh her hair is growing back in nicely".

There are still some awkward encounters, like when a former student yelled at me during a football game "Why did you cut off all your hair!?!?!?!" Umm......

So there it is, your monthly (semi-monthly?) hair post. And it didn't even take a reminder from Allie to get it! Jenn, for the win!

6 Months

So this week marks 6 months since I finished chemo. I know this sounds cliche, but it feels like yesterday that I was in the thick of it. Because it's been 6 months, I have a whole round of doctors appointments in the next weeks. I think that every 6 months I have to see all of my doctors and get new scans.

To say that I am nervous about these appointments is an understatment. I've had them on the calendar for two months and I don't think they've left my mind yet. As this week has gotten closer, I can feel the anxiety increase. I have no reason to think they will find anything, and I want so much to just confidently walk in there knowing nothing will show up. But, this whole process has made me believe differently. My mom said to me today "well, you're feeling fine aren't you?" I wanted to say "yeah, but I felt great when they found cancer the first time!"

I'm going to apologize now to anyone I snap at this week (my poor students....). It's coming from stress and nothing else.

Any prayers and thoughts you can send my way the next two weeks are greatly appreciated. I'll just be here trying to stay calm. :)

Money Matters

I feel like I've talked a lot about feeling thankful during this journey. Thankful for friends and family and their support. Thankful that, even during chemo, I never felt THAT bad.  But I heard a story yesterday that might have made my thankfulness hit an all-time high.

Another worker within my school district was diagnosed with cancer in May. This is her second round of cancer, as she beat it two or three years ago. I'm not sure what type she has, not that it really matters. She needs to undergo radiation, but has no insurance (she's not a teacher).  The doctors won't start her radiation until she puts a $3,000 deposit down.

When I started getting the insurance statements on my radiation I realized that each treatment was $609. It could be more if you had an x-ray that day or if you had to see the doctor. Here is a little math for you: 33 treatments at  $609 each is $20,097. 

I have saved all of my insurance statements since this journey began in December, but I have yet to add them all up. I could honestly be close to $100,000 in total between surgeries, chemo, doctors appointments and radiation.  With the exception of a couple of prescriptions and co-pays I have paid $500, which is my deductible.

I remember a day that my friend Jocelyn asked me about my bills and how much I've paid and then said "What do people do who don't have insurance? They just die, right?" Naive Jenn hadn't really thought of that, and just figured it got taken care of somehow. I mean come on, doctors really aren't going to treat someone with cancer? Oh silly Jenn....

We can complain that insurance is expensive, and I know that when my contribution to insurance went from 7% to over 20% in a year I was angry, but holy cow I have no problem paying for it now. I was the first one at the lunch table saying that we should switch insurance companies and go to something cheaper because "I never go to the doctor anyways." Yeah, the lightening bolt hit me on that one.

Between car and house payments, utilities, student loans and every other bill I pay every month I have no idea how long it would take me to save $3,000.  I know that entire time I would be freaking out that the disease inside me was growing and spreading and there was nothing I can do about it. I have no idea how she must be dealing with it.

So today, probably more than ever, I'm thankful for my insurance that has helped me get the best treatments in a timely manner and hasn't put me even farther into debt.

**PS I know I owe a regular post about hair and such and it's coming!

Over six weeks!

So, today is the first weekday since May 27th that I don't have a doctors appointment. That's a pretty big deal! I looked in my calendar and my next one isn't until July 30. It's SO nice to be able to just come home after work. I celebrated with a nap! :)

Here is my radiation certificate. Pretty proud of this one!

Not exactly the sunburn I wanted this summer...

Today, July 12th, is my very last radiation treatment. For the past 33 weekdays (I started the day after Memorial Day) I have had a 3:45 doctor's appointment (with the exception of some that were earlier in the day). I could make no vacation plans because then I wouldn't be there for my appointment. Most days I would have to go straight from work, which meant no relaxing on the sofa after 8+ hours of work.  I have had to lay on a board shirtless while radiation techs adjusted the giant machine around me 33 times.  I have what looks like sunburn all over my right breast and for a good week I couldn't move my right arm without pain because the burn had gotten so bad under my arm. But....

I have secretly loved radiation.  Despite all of the hassles, it has been a fascinating experience.

Let's start with radiation itself. It's so mathematical and exact. The techs have to make sure you are perfectly lined up each time (using tattoos and lasers) and they have numbers and angles they use to do this which go straight to this math nerd's heart. The burn has perfectly straight edges which just shows how exact my treatments are each day. I would ask a lot of questions (probably too many) about what all the numbers meant and I would spend each treatment counting how many seconds the machine ran to try and figure out how long my treatments actually were. (25 seconds on each side) I was always interested in how people with other types of cancer (like the sweet lady before me who has cancer behind her nose) got their radiation.

The doctors, nurses and techs at Lakeshore Area Radiation Oncology Center are awesome. They are warm and welcoming. They get to know you. They get excited for you and root for you. They remember every fact about you that you ever tell them. I guess that's kinda easy when you see someone 33 times, but still it amazed me. There is no other doctor's office that I would look forward to going to 33 straight days.

I realized after chemo was done that I didn't take advantage of getting to know others that were going through the same things that I was. I was kinda standoffish. I didn't want to own that I had cancer. I didn't want to hear people's stories because they scared me and were realities that I didn't want to face. Radiation has been a while different experience. Probably my absolute favorite thing has been talking to the people in the waiting room and hearing their stories. You trade stats, Jenn: stage 1 breast cancer, 4 rounds of chemo, lost my hair, 33 rounds of radiation. You see the same people most days which is nice. I sat next to a lady for 2 weeks before realizing that it was one of my friend's aunts! Once in a while a new person will start and you get to hear all of their stories. The funny thing is, I'm one of the few that lost their hair. Some never had chemo, others had a type that didn't make your hair fall out.

Some people stories are much sadder than mine. Like the lady who broke her leg and when she was in the hospital they discovered stage 4 lung cancer. Or the woman who had beaten stage 3 cancer two years ago only to have it come back even stronger.

Radiation was a total mystery to me 7 weeks ago. Now, I'm completely fascinated by it. So much so, that I may have researched what it takes to be a radiation tech.... :)

Two Roads

Someone asked me this question the other day: "Do you think people with cancer become nicer because they are grateful for the days they have?"

I thought about this for a minute and I decided that people can take one of two roads.

The first road is anger. I would be lying if I said I never took this road. This thing sucks, and I had it kinda easy. Most of the crying I did was angry crying. I was mad that I was in this mess. I was mad that people got to go on living their everyday lives and I didn't. It seemed like everyone had a baby or got pregnant, got engaged or married or had some other awesome event happen in their lives in the last 6 months.  Facebook was hard to look at sometimes.  I would NEVER wish upon someone what I went through, I was just purely jealous that I didn't have exciting things to share. (Sidenote: most of these things bother healthy single jenn as well haha)

But most days, I took the other road. I chose to be positive and be happy for others. I was thankful for all of the things people have done for me, and vowed to do the same for others. I wanted people to share the good things in their lives because someday I hope they'll still be around when I have big happy moments in my life as well. 

I have a feeling that the people that take the angry road realize that it's a pretty lonely one and, when you already have cancer, loneliness is NOT something you need.

Things my hair has never been called: Trendy

I just read my post where I said I would post pictures on a weekly basis of my hair growth. I also laughed when I read it. Oh silly Jenn, you should have known better! Luckily, however, I have taken some pictures along the way.

This one is from the end of May. I was babysitting the adorable Ondersma kids and decided that I would try on a baby barrette. I had barely enough hair to keep it in but I figured it was worth a picture.

Fast forward to the end of June and I was here.

Here is today's pic.

 I don't feel like it gives a very good representation of how long it looks in person. Also, I can't even tell you how many times it took me to get one that I like. Side note: How do teenagers take "selfies" so well? Perhaps I needed to put my tongue out like the cool kids do?

So far it looks lighter (maybe a little greyer), seems just as thick, and it's starting to get curly. I have to hairspray it down so that it doesn't curl up. People seem to like the shorter hair. Someone called me trendy. Never have I had a trendy haircut! People seem to think I have a face for short hair. Did people think my other hair was awful all these years??? haha

So there is the hair update for you! I will do my best to post regular pics! (Yup, I'm laughing at that statement...)

Sincerest Apologies!

Well, I have officially lived up to my expectations as the worst blogger ever! Thanks to Allie for reminding me of this!

 So for your viewing pleasure this lovely Friday I present to your a collection of blog posts. Yes, I could put them all into one, but this way it looks like I'm blogging up a storm!

Happy reading!

Fuzzy Wuzzy

So people kept asking me if my hair was growing and I usually said I couldn't really tell. I mean, it kinda looked like it, but there still wasn't much. Until this week....

People kept telling me about the duck fuzz hair. That it would come in super fine and super soft. I figured this wouldn't happen with me since my hair is so thick and course. But, I now have the fuzz. And the funny thing is, all of the new hair on my body is that fuzz.  Ok, this is probably tmi but I didn't think my armpit hair was growing yet (not that i was disappointed) because usually it's pretty coarse and I didn't feel any. However, I looked tonight and I have some, and it's the usual black, but it's super fine. So weird!

My friend told me I should take a picture each week to chronicle my hair growth. I wish that you could see the duck fuzz in this one, but here is this weeks!

How can you help?

When I first started this blog, someone told me I should write a post about how people can help friends/family that are going through this type of thing. I think I've mentioned some of these before, but here's what I have thought of:

*I know I've mentioned how much I loved getting gift cards to restaurants. Not that I didn't completely appreciate when people brought me food, but it often went bad because my appetite was so all over the place that I never knew what I'd be hungry for. Gift cards were perfect for satisfying whatever cravings I had that day. (Subway was my biggest craving!)

*One of the best thing people did for me was make me get out of the house.  I remember that after my lumpectomy my friend Jocelyn called me and said "Take a shower and get dressed, we are going out to dinner." I would have easily turned the offer down if she hadn't told me she was on her way to my house. I may have been exhausted after the trip, but it felt really good to be out of the house and to not dwell on how crummy I was feeling.

*Losing your hair sucks. It doesn't matter if you go with a wig or a hat, you still feel totally self- conscious and not yourself. My day was absolutely made when a friend/coworker/student told me they liked my hat.

*The teacher whose classroom is behind mine brought me daffodils each week when they first started to bloom. She would simply bring them in and put them on my desk. I loved having flowers on my desk!

*I have really enjoyed getting letters in the mail. Some come with long messages and some just say  "I saw this and thought of you. Who doesn't love mail??

*Cancer can be really lonely. Few people in your life know exactly what you're going through and I find myself not wanting to always burden them with stories because, let's face it, they aren't the happiest. Check on your friends/family. Send them a text, email them, call them. Ask them how they are. Don't wait for them to ask for help, because they might not.

*When you are first diagnosed people always want to help. But, cancer treatments last a long time. I mean, mine was short, but many last a long time and the side effects and mental exhaustion last a long time. It completely wears you down. Check in on your friends and family weeks and months down the road.

I can never fully express how thankful I am for my friends and family and how well they took care, and continue to take care, of me during this. I will not soon forget, and hope to be just as supportive when others go through the same thing.

Simulated and ready to go!

On Thursday I went in to be simulated. This is actually a pretty interesting process. You have to lie on this board, with your arms positioned over your head and they run you through an x-ray machine. Through this process they determine how the radiation beams will be directed.

The appointment was an easy one except for a few things:

• They rubberband your feet together so that you can't move them and so that you are straight on the board.
• They tell you to breathe normally while in the x-ray machine and don't take any deep breaths. Well any time someone tells you to breathe normally you are automatically very aware of how you breathe and you breathe all weird! And what constitutes a deep breath?!
• Your arms are over your head on boards. You have to decide how you will hold your hands each time during this appointment because any change in how your body is lined up can throw off the radiation process. For the record, I chose to hold my left hand in my right.
• While you are on this board, with your feet rubber banded together and your arms over your head oh yeah and topless, they take a lot of pictures of you. Awkward!!! I would hate to see those. 
• At the end of the process they have to give you tatoos. I had wondered how this was done. From what I can tell, they drop some ink on you and then prick you with a needle to push the ink under your skin. So now I have three faint black dots on my body which will help like up the (insert Dr. Evil voice) lasers.

I will have 33 radiation appointments (beginning the day after Memorial Day). Why 33 you may ask? No idea. Right now I have a 3:45pm appointment time. That works well with school, but once school is out it's going to be slightly annoying to have to be somewhere everyday at 3:45. Luckily the appointments are only between 15-30 mins.

This should be the last big thing I have to do in this process. Glad to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! 

Sleep, Eat, Repeat

So I think I have mentioned in the past what a terrible sleeper I became during chemo. I went weeks without sleeping through the night. Some nights I was up for just a minute, some nights hours. When the alarm went off in the morning, I was a pro at pushing the snooze button. In the last couple weeks, however, I have become a champ at sleeping. I didn't realize how tired I was until I started getting good nights of sleep. I get up earlier in the morning, get to work earlier and am way more productive. I also don't feel the need to go to bed at 7pm anymore.

I also didn't realize just how bad my appetite had gotten during chemo. Currently, everything sounds good and I am eating like it's my job. Not good for the waistline! I gained back the weight I had lost but that was to be expected.  I should, however, start eating better. It was Tulip Time in Holland this week and I took full advantage. Summer is right around the corner and summer clothes need to fit! :)

And this is why I don't blog...

Sorry for the long break from blogging. No good reason for it, just have kinda forgotten about it. Yeah I knew this would happen eventually. Maybe it's a good thing that I haven't really had much to share?

So here is the rundown of the last three weeks....

I mentioned in my last post that I was going to meet with a genetic counselor about a test they want to run before I start chemo. It was to test for a P-53 (I think I'm remembering that right) mutation. This might have been the most stressful appt. I've had this whole time. Basically I have a 2% chance of having this. But, if I do have it, radiation can cause other types of cancer. However, if I had the test, it would take 6-8 weeks to get the results back which puts radiation off that long. Oh and the test might not be covered by my insurance. That was a lot to take in! I felt like they needed an answer right that minute and it stressed me out that I couldn't really get an answer as to whether it was ok to put off radiation. So I cried, and once that starts, it doesn't stop. Then the counselor wanted to talk about "where those tears are coming from." Oh I don't know, maybe because three people are staring at me in a small room and I have cancer and I'm mad that I'm even in that position!  In the end, I got the test. I'd hate to think I did radiation and caused myself harm.

So after that appt. the waiting game was back on. I was happy to have a break from appts. and procedures and such, but now radiation is getting pushed further into the summer.

During the waiting period I also had my port removed. That was exciting seeing that it meant that I really wasn't having any more chemo (hopefully never ever again). I find it funny that I had to go into the hospital and put under anesthesia to have it put in, but I could have it taken out in my surgeon's office.

Fast forward two weeks, I got a call at the end of last week that my test results had all come back negative. Evidently the letter from my radiologist had actually sped up the process. So now I'm just waiting for my doctors to call me to start radiation.

On the hair topic, I think it's finally starting to grow.  I seem to see some brown specks! Grow hair grow! I was researching online what I might be able to make it grow faster. Most posts said to eat healthy. Um, can you be a little more specific with that? Some said take prenatal vitamins, others said go for Rogaine. :) I might go the vitamin route. Anyone have any ideas?

Hopefully soon I'll have some good radiation stories for you!

Say WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

Here is the exchange that happened at the oncologist's office today:
Doctor: How are you feeling?
Me: Great!
Doctor: Ready to start something new?
Me: Um, yeah
Doctor: Ok so your next round of chemo will be....
Me: Wait......I HAVE MORE CHEMO?!?!?!?! (Ok I didn't yell it in real life but I did in my head)
Doctor: Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot we changed your plan. You're done!
Me: I thought by new you meant starting radiation!

Nothing like having the thought of more chemo to shake up your day. Come on doc! You made me wait 30 mins in the little examination room and then you get my treatment plan mixed up????

In brighter news, after that appointment I had to go get a mammogram to make sure that there weren't any more calcifications so that radiation can begin (whenever the whole genetic testing thing is done). The films all came back good (so worth the pain of the mammogram itself).

After a day of somewhat stressful and painful appointments, I rewarded myself with a nap. :)

Ready....Set....WAIT!

So with the end of chemo comes the start of radiation, or so I thought.

I met with the radiation doctor (radiologist?) over spring break and set up the appointment for me to be "simulated". In this appointment, they basically do a whole scan and plan where the (insert Doctor Evil voice here) lasers  will be pointed at me. After they get their data, it would take about a week and then I could start radiation. I was glad to have a starting date and to start the process. We scheduled radiation to be at 3:45 every day so that I wouldn't miss any school. I went to school this week and told my principal the plan, told the athletic director I couldn't work track meets, and told the assistant principal that I couldn't do any more detentions.

Then on Tuesday of this week, my surgeon called and said she had come across a new genetic test she would like me to do. Evidently this genetic mutation (wouldn't it be helpful if I could remember the name) is very rare and she doesn't think I'll test positive for it. However, with this mutation, having radiation will actually increase the likelihood of other cancers. Um....yeah let's have this test done! I guess it's a test they run on people under 35 so I'm just in!

So radiation is now on hold and I had to go back to all the above people and change what I had just told them. Slightly frustrating, though I'm excited to have a little time off to get a little energy going into radiation. They said that radiation will make me tired, but not as tired as chemo did.

With this break, I think I'm going to try and start working out again. I haven't been to the gym since right before my diagnosis and I'm ready to go back. Hopefully if I get a little endurance before radiation starts I'll be able to keep it up during it.

On another note, I'm trying to figure out if my hair is starting to grow back. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but if I could tell there was a little change that would make me EXTREMELY excited!

Dunzo!

So chemo is officially done! People kept asking me if I was throwing a party. I figure, I'm saving that for when radiation is done and all treatments are done.  Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY excited that chemo is done (cause that sucked). Let the hair growing commence! (Of course I mean on my head and not in those annoying places)

Radiation should start in a couple weeks which means I have a couple weeks "off". I'm excited to not really have any appointments for a while. Radiation will be annoying in its own right since it will need to be every single day at the same time. The good thing is that I can schedule it for after school so that I don't have to miss any extended periods of time from school anymore.

I met with the radiation doctor (I'm sure there is a more specific name for him) and the whole process is quite interesting. The math nerd in me was loving the discussion of angles and lasers and the exactness of it all.

So I guess this is a pretty boring post. I'm going to blame the exhaustion from chemo for that. Back to school tomorrow!!!

12:30am Thoughts

Now I have to say, I've tried to keep this blog pretty upbeat. I mean who wants to read a sappy/whiney  cancer blog, right? And to my credit (patting myself on the back) I feel like overall I've kept pretty upbeat. I've even felt really good more days than not. However, this night, at 12:30am I'm going to have a little pity party/bitch fest. In my inability to sleep I have put together the following list:

10 Things I'm over. And by over, I mean O.V.E.R.:

1. Not sleeping. 
• I have become a terrible sleeper. 2am is a time I see WAY too often. I will say that normally I'm asleep right now, but someone (who shall remain nameless) drunk FaceTimed me and the hilarity of that cancelled out my sleepiness. (And don't get too excited folks, it unfortunately wasn't a boy.)
2. Not having an appetite a lot of the time.
• I want to not have to think about what sounds good (or if anything sounds good). I am a girl that likes food and some of my favorites don't appeal to me at all anymore. I want to eat at regular meal times. I don't want it to take me 8 hours to finish a Big Apple muffin (like it did last Sunday)
• And for goodness sake, if you are going to take my appetite, cancer, can't you take like 10 pounds off my hips too!?!?
• On a side note, one of my students asked a fellow teacher "I know that Miss Lanphear really likes French Fries. Can she still eat those with cancer??" Bless her for looking out for me. Also, is that all she learned from my Algebra class?
3. Not having hair.
• I want my curls back. I want my go to ponytail back. I want the annoyance frizzy hair. I want my signature braids. I want to wear all of the Anthropologie headbands that I spent WAY too much money on. I want hair in the drain of my shower. 
• That being said, I'm still not sad about not getting a wig. I will say however, hats get really hot and there are so many times I just want to take the stupid thing off in the middle of class.
4. Soooo many appointments
• It's good that I like my doctors so much, because I have to see their faces very often.
5. Soooo many days off of school.
• I hate making sub plans. It is a pain in the butt. I feel like a bad teacher when I'm not there. I take it personally when kids fail my quiz after I have been gone for a treatment.  (Though ok. sometimes they fail if I'm there everyday too. But still!)
6. Having people worry about me
• I'm very good at worrying about others, not so good about having people worry about me.
• Don't get me wrong, the support has been awesome, but it's hard to know people worry.
7. Not really having a spring break because it's a chemo week
• It's great that it's my last chemo next week. It's convenient that it's during a week that I already have off so I don't have to take extra time off (see #5) but it sure would be nice if I could just have a week off. A week to catch up with friends and travel and sleep and eat and veg. Instead I'm really down to about 4 days of "feeling good" over break.
8. My students' poor attitudes
• Ok this really doesn't go along with the whole cancer thing, but seriously. Attention seniors, senioritis is not a real thing and even if it was, it doesn't start in February! And freshies, you have no excuse! I think we all need a week off from each other kids!
9. Nausea
• While this has definitely not affected me as badly as a lot of people, it's still been quite the annoyance. Smells, sights, sounds and even the mention of things make me nauseous. I have a greater appreciation for anyone with morning sickness. This sucks. I haven't actually thrown up at all, but sometimes I think the nausea is worse!
10. Cancer in general
• Newsflash big C, I'm over you. I'm tired of talking about you, thinking about you, and worrying about you. We are breaking up. Hopefully for good! It's not me, it's YOU!

Ok that's enough of that. I feel better. Thanks for letting me bitch friends!

Side note: In case you wondered, the list of things I'm thankful for is much longer than this list. :)

3rd time's not the charm

Sorry for being such a poor blogger. Frankly I'm impressed as heck that I've even kept this going as long as I have! From the page views I seem to have some followers, so for you, I will keep on blogging!

So round 3 was last week. Gotta say, this one was a little rougher than the last. Chemo day started with a visit to my surgeon for a routine checkup. I mentioned that I had a bump on my back that hurt and she informed me that I had a sebaceous cyst (sp?) that was infected. Awesome...  Normally this would an easy little procedure, but since it was chemo day, I had to get my treatment before she would lance the cyst. (Is that the correct usage of the word lance? hmmm...) So off to chemo I went with an appointment to go back to the surgeon after.

 My awesome friend Jessica (you can find her and her adorable family here) was my chemo buddy. Like most people who have gone with me (ok all the people who have gone with me) she didn't really know what to expect. Little did she know that with the added cyst appearance she was in for even more of a treat! The treatment went fine, it let us have tons of time to gossip, and then off we went back to the surgeon.

Getting rid of a cyst is much like popping a big pimple with slightly less excitement. (Oh you know you love that feeling of popping a big pimple!) This one was on the back of my shoulder so I didn't get to see much. However, the surgeon did show me the "shell" of the cyst (didn't know they had those) and Jess said that there was more fun stuff that came out. Now I thought this would be a simple "slice it open and stitch it up". Little did I know I would be in for daily "packings" of the hole even now (7 days later). Oh yeah, silly me, I forgot I have no immune system to heal this thing...  Big thanks to Nurse Lindsey for helping me out with this on more than one occasion!

I didn't have an awesome weekend in terns of feeling good but I think that was for many reasons. My body is fighting the mighty cyst. I know I didn't drink enough fluids. I slept terribly. I ate terribly. All in all I was a terrible cancer patient. I will make this better during my next and final round!!!

Receding hair lines aren't just for men anymore!

Well, the buzzed hair got a little shorter this weekend.  We had left it a little long, but it was driving me more nuts than my long hair that was falling out. I wear a hat everyday and the hair was falling out inside of that and causing my head to itch horribly.  After complaining about it all week, I agreed to let my friend's husband buzz it even shorter. My giggling through this awkward situation made his think I was crying. haha

It's not totally gone, but I wouldn't let him get out the shaving cream and razor so there is still some stubble but even that is falling out. My hair line has receded pretty far and there are some bald patches.

I have let VERY few people see my "bald" head. If you have asked, don't feel bad if I've said no. The bald Jenn doesn't quite have the self-esteem to flaunt it yet. Maybe once the stubble is gone.

Buzzed hair? Don't care!

Update: the hair is buzzed! It's not cute due to some bald patches and some....uneven patches, but nonetheless it's buzzed. It feels so much better to not have to worry about how much it falling out. It was seriously driving me nuts. And let me tell you, there was a significantly less "get ready" time this morning!

I rocked my grey hat (which I actually think is cute) to school. No comments good or bad from the kids.  Staff were awesome. Lot's of supportive comments.

I'm already getting excited about what it will look like with a cute short haircut.

Thanks, as always, for everything you have said and done my friends!

Round 2!

I think that round 2 of chemo actually went better than round 1 (thank goodness!).  Mom worked this time so joining me was the tag team of the hilarious Maria and Sarah.  Seriously, if you have to go to chemo, take people who will make you laugh. It makes the time go by soooo much faster!

I started watching Giuliana and Bill on E! while I was getting my treatment. It happened to be the episode where Giuliana was going through her breast cancer issues.  (Ironic right???) Anyways, I found myself getting angry with her that she didn't have to go through chemo, she only had radiation. The feeling of "oh, the pretty girl doesn't have to lose her hair" cursed through me. I feel like that was of the few times my feelings went from sad to angry over this. Sorry Giuliana for taking it out on you.

Anyways, after chemo I felt really good. Even Thursday I felt great and kinda thought I should have gone back and taught. By the end of Thursday I had a sore throat so it made the decision to not teach Friday a little easier. I think my allergies are causing the congestion and little sore throats I'm gettings. Things are starting to thaw out around here and typically the wetter it is outside, the worse my allergies are.

The hair is still coming out in clumps, and I have a cute little bald patch on the right side of my head. I think today is the day to shave it. It's driving me nuts how there is hair everywhere, and I would like to have it done before school on Monday. I figure, it's easier to show up on a Monday with no hair than on a Wednesday. haha

Strength

I get told time and time again how "strong" I have been through "the situation". I guess that never really crossed my mind. I'm just dealing with it the only way I know how. Even the nurses have commented on just how low my blood pressure was before all of my surgeries and treatments.

If I start to feel "weak" and trust me, there have been some meltdowns (have I mentioned how much I love a good cry in the shower) I just have to tell myself that wallowing is not going to do me any good. I can't change the situation I'm in, so I just have to deal with it best I can.

Choosing to work throughout this has helped. I can focus my energies on what I need to get done, and forget about the scary stuff. I think the students (especially my first hour) expect me to have lost some energy by now, but hasn't happened. One of them asked me if I feel sick and they were surprised to hear that I didn't really.  A lot of them have never watched someone go through cancer treatments so the only thing they know is what they've seen on movies/tv. We have had to chat about how what happened in "My Sister's Keeper" is NOT the same as I'm going through.

Here is the other thing. I refuse to be sad and mopey, when I have friends who have gone through bigger things in the last couple years and still manage to get through the days. If Ryan can teach every day in the gym where he watched his player pass away, and if Jocelyn can still work in the district where her son died and she and her husband can walk into the gym to watch Mitchell play after all that has happened, then I sure as hell don't get to sit around and feel sorry for myself.

I guess the moral of the story is, I don't feel strong. I just feel like I'm dealing with it the best I can. But, I do appreciate the compliments and it lets me know what I'm doing is going well.

Hair today, but not for much longer!

So on day 14 (Tuesday) my hair officially started to fall out...in clumps! That morning I took my ponytail holder out and was amazed at how much hair came out too.  As I ran my fingers through my hair I got even more clumps. It was crazy! It didn't hurt. I could tell that the hair was barely hanging on by anything. Even on day three of hairgate I still have enough for a little ponytail, but it is definitely not as thick as it used to be.  I think if I didn't have such thick hair from the start you'd probably see bald patches and perhaps it'd be totally gone. I'm going to give it to the weekend and then shave it off. I have a couple of cute hats now and am waiting on a couple from etsy. If anyone has any hat/scarf suggestions send them my way!

I have to admit that I'm pretty proud of the lack of tears I've shed over the hair loss. It was a tough drive to school Tuesday, but then I had some friends bring me some EXTREMELY thoughtful gifts as if they just knew that was the day I needed them.

Just a tip, waterproof mascara is a must during a time like this. Most times I don't cry because I'm sad. I cry everytime someone does something nice for me because I'm thoroughly touched by the generosity of people  Like I've said before, I hope none of my friends have to go through this, but I WILL find a way to pay the kindness forward!

5 days of school in a row?!?!?!

Managed to work a full week for the first time in two months! It was so nice to have no snow days, no appointments and to feel good enough to be at work the entire week. There were a lot of topics to get covered in my classes (especially Algebra) so I was glad I was there to teach it. I think I've set my classes up pretty well to be gone this week.

Chemo #2 is Wednesday. Here's hoping it goes as well as it did last time! I might even try to go back to work Friday.

More and more students and community members are finding out about "the situation" and they have been very sweet. I get texts from students that have graduated almost every day. At the basketball game Thursday night I received many well wishes from people who I can't figure out how they even know. It's really nice to know people are thinking of you and supporting you.

Hair today, gone ????

It is a well known fact that I have been fearing losing my hair. My pity party of a week ago was pretty much over that.

As a kid, I had awesome hair. I was bald until I was 2, and then I had Shirley Temple curls. In elementary school I remember priding myself on how long my hair was. And then, junior high came along....

Something happened in 6th grade. My hair went from wavy to kinky, curly, and crazy! It was terrible. There was nothing I could do with it. It was huge! They tried perming it, cutting it, anything to get it to calm down. Not until high school did it get slightly better. Even through high school and college and I disliked my hair. I could never just leave it down because it would get so frizzy. It was constantly in a ponytail. I wore my hair down exactly one time in high school (Ironically that was also the only day I wore a skirt to school. And for the record, I went home at lunch and put my hair up and changed my clothes).

When I started teaching, it was still usually in a ponytail. If I wanted to straighten it, I would have to plan to set my alarm extra early to get it done before I had to leave.  This year things have started to change. I don't know if it's because I've grown it out, or it's changed texture or after 34 years I've actually learned what to do with it, but I'm loving my hair. I leave it curly more often than not these days. And now I face losing it. The irony.

Yesterday Sarah and I went to look at wigs. Can we take a moment to discuss how creepy mannequin heads are? Why must they be creepy??? Can't normal faces be painted on them??? Anyways, after sitting for a long time amongst the creepy ladies, I came to the realization that I don't want a wig.

What if I spend a bunch on money on one and hate it? Will I really be willing to do the upkeep for a wig? I teach high school kids. They aren't going to get fooled by a wig. And I already stress about how my hair looks on a daily basis, I can't imagine stressing over how a wig looks. Plus, if I go out on the weekends and run into a student without it on, well that could just be awkward. So I'm going for it. Going bald. I mean, it works for my friend Ryan, so why not me?

Now, I am not saying I am shaving my head......yet.  I'm going to let this happen naturally. I'm going to see if I can get a haircut this week to take some length off so that when I do lose it I'm not losing as much. I bought some cute little hats to wear and I have a pretty good scarf collection so I'll see what I can do with those.

I'm not going to say I'll stay this calm through the whole hair process. In fact as I type this I'm fearing going to take a shower and having it all fall out, but I'm more ready for it to happen than I was before.  I've been told that when it comes in it's usually really curly. Now I'm hoping for a little fro in a couple months!

Food for thought

The questions I have gotten the most since I started chemo was "has it been a vomit fest?" Now I'm sure I get asked this for a couple reasons. One, the typical side effect of chemo is nausea and two, I am a puker. I throw up a lot! (TMI but a fun fact nonetheless) (And no, I'm not bulimic or anorexic!)

This has so far not been a "vomit fest". In fact, no vom to date! The first couple days I did have some nausea, but took my pills and that stopped it pretty fast. I have also found that hard candy has helped stop the nausea (and thanks to my friends I have a ton of that).

I haven't really had much of an appetite, however. We ordered pizza when we got home from chemo and that tasted pretty good, but the next day all I really wanted were the cheese sticks. Nothing else sounded good. I could have ordered Papa John's cheese sticks every day and been completely happy (and I almost did).  And worse, anything (except the fries) that I ate while I was at chemo immediately turned my stomach. (In fact, just typing that made me a little sick).

I think that part of my lack of hunger is not wanting to turn this into a "vom fest", but I know I need to eat. I've been trying to eat little meals along the way rather than big meals that might be too much for my stomach.

I've heard that through chemo your taste buds change and some of your favorite things you can't eat anymore. Is it totally irrational that I fear my love of fries will go away???

Round 1!

So this week was round 1 (of 4) of chemo. I honestly had very little idea of what I was in for. I've found that through all of these treatments, surgeries, etc., I've been pretty calm. I think the lack of knowing has actually led to less anxiety oddly.  The nurses (and my mom) are constantly commenting on how low my blood pressure is.  (Note: I had no idea going into this what a good blood pressure was.)

My chemo treatments last about 3 hours. Some of them are just hung in an IV bag, and one has to be "pushed" into my port.  They start you off with anti-nausea medicine to head off any nausea you might experience.  (Greatly appreciated!) The one that gets pushed in is bright red and it takes three large syringes full to get the job done. (Note: The red chemo makes my urine pink, adding to the rainbow of colors my urine has turned during this.)

You can either have a room to yourself or sit in the large open treatment room. This time I got a room to myself, I think that's because I was a newbie.  I think I like having my own room. You get a tv (which entertained my mom) and it's more personal. Some of the rooms have recliners (like mine) and some have beds. I guess it would be nice to take a nap during the process, especially since some treatments can take up to 8 hours!

The nurses were very nice and explained everything. They were slightly surprised that I had just gotten my port two days before. I wasn't able to numb the port site because it was all bandaged, so the pain of having the IV put into the port was really the only pain I had.  That won't happen the next time because I'll be able to put the numbing cream on ahead of time.

To keep myself busy, I played on my iPad, and opened the presents that my friend Sarah has sent along. Every so often the machine would start beeping to say that my IV bag was empty and then they would come add another medicine to the mix.  My mom went and picked up Wendy's along the way because she hadn't eaten. Fries were a lovely chemo treat!

They sent me home with two anti-nausea medications with the strict instructions that I take the one at the slightest hint of nausea and take both at bed time.

That night I felt pretty good other than a pretty good headache.  The next morning I woke up with the same headache. After not getting it to break with Ibuprofen, my mom finally realized that it was probably a "lack of caffeine" headache. I was told to drink 64oz of liquids each day and that anything with caffeine wouldn't count. Well, that didn't mean I couldn't have caffeine! As soon as I had a Diet Coke all was well. (And yes, it does disturb me that my body needed that Diet Coke...)

Thursday afternoon I had to go in for a shot to get my white blood cells going. This will always happen the day after the main chemo treatment. They told me that I would probably be really sore from this because it causes a lot of activity of your white blood cells in your bone marrow. Really, I haven't had much pain. At the end of the day my shoulders and neck are pretty sore, but that could also be from lounging on the sofa for many days.

I know that I'm REALLY lucky for how well this is going so far and I'm not taking that for granted. They said that usually how the first treatments go is what you should expect, so I'm hoping that the next three go smoothly.

Thanks as always for the texts, calls, emails, thoughts, prayers, food, flowers and hilarious packages. You guys rock!

Today's post is brought to you by....A SNOW DAY!

I have said this before, I have been amazed by some of the "good luck" I've had throughout this process. The extra day off because of a snow day after my lumpectomy. The fact that all of the bad news phone calls I have received have been on days off from school. And this week, the fact that the time they scheduled my port placement was during our mid-winter break.

On Monday after I got home, they called to tell me that I officially started chemo Wednesday. This meant I would only have Tuesday to get ready for three days off of school. It should be noted that it is a lot of work to be gone for a day of teaching, let alone three! Monday night I sat down and wrote all of my lesson plans. I honestly couldn't believe how productive I was. But, my nervous energy got the best of me and I knew I had to start getting organized in order to sleep. I even joked that it would be my luck that after all of that work I wouldn't have school Tuesday.

We got our first call at 5:30am saying we were on a 2hour delay. I was already dressed and ready to go so I went ahead and started to work. I turned around a couple miles from home. The roads were so bad! I mean, I'm kind of a wuss when driving in the winter, but these were really bad! At around 8am we got the call that school was officially cancelled. While I loved the fact that I got an additional day off to recover from Monday's surgery (another piece of good luck), this meant that I wasn't at school getting ready to be gone, and I would have to redo my lesson plans.

A group of us did our traditional snow day lunch (have I mentioned how much I have loved these lunches this year?) and then I headed down to Fennville. After about 3.5 hours I felt ready to miss the next three days. So many copies made, lessons rewritten, tests planned.

I'm sad that I haven't gotten a chance to fill my students in on what is going on. They have started to ask questions about why I've been missing so much school, but I didn't want to tell them much until I had an actual treatment plan. I feel bad that I'm not there to get them ready for their tests. But, when they hit college, they are are going to have to get ready for tests on their own a lot of the time.  I know that I need to make myself the priority, but I feel like I owe these kids a good experience in my classes. I want to make a good impression on the new principal, and not seem like a person who takes a lot of time off.  How do some people seem so un-phased about missing school?

I will not let myself stress out about school. I will relax and take care of myself. If everything doesn't run perfectly, it will be ok.

I have no idea what to expect from chemo, but I'm sure I'll have a lot to share! Wish me luck!

P.S. Sorry for the rambling posts. I've had a lot to catch up on!

It's good to have a friend that's a nurse!

So I wondered all weekend how I would take my shot. I could have gone back up to the clinic in GR but that's quite a hike. They said I could give it to myself, but there is no way that was happening.  At first I was hesistent to ask my friend that is a nurse, but glad I did. Nothing says friendship like giving another friend a shot in the butt. Ok really it was more the hip, but still. Huge thanks to Lins!

After getting my shot I was headed to Fennville to get some work done. I hadn't gotten the official word on whether chemo was starting this week, but wanted to start getting prepared. It was just before 9am and I knew I had plenty of time to burn before my port placement at 5. Plus, I had to go all day without eating so making copies would be a nice distraction from my growing cravings for food. Just as I got on the highway, I received a call that they wanted to move my surgery up to 11am. Hallelujah!!! I would be able to get it done and eat like 6 hours earlier than planned!

Because my port placement was moved up, my mom couldn't make it to Holland to come with me, thank goodness if was a regular day off from school so Sarah could come with me. Lots of laughs were had in the hospital room. The procedure only took about 30 mins and after a chest xray to make sure the port was in the right place, and some pain meds, we were on our way. Just like after my last surgery, we headed right to McDonalds! Gotta love a tradition.

Felt pretty good the rest of the night.  It feels pretty weird to have a bump on your collar bone where something was inserted, but ports are nice because they allow you to not have IVs for chemo each time.

After a long day, I was ready to tackle my one day of work for the week. Or so I thought...

Friday surprises!

When I left my oncology appointment on Wednesday, I was told to schedule two other appointments to get ready for chemo. Luckily I was able to schedule them both on Friday.

The first appointment was for an echocardiogram.  I needed this because for the chemo they chose, my heart needs to be extra healthy. I wore my Wes Leonard Heart Team garb to bring me some extra support! I never heard how the echo went, but since chemo is still in the plans I guess it went fine!

The second appointment was a doozy! I had to head up to the Fertility Clinic in Grand Rapids. Now if you know me, I'm about as single as it gets. I have always wanted kids, but have always leaned more towards the adoption route than having my own. This cancer has made me have to think about some things I never really thought I would. After discussing some options, having an exam I was NOT mentally prepared for and realizing that chemo would start soon and there wouldn't be enough time to harvest eggs, it was decided that I would go on Depo Lupron.

Depo Lupron is a drug that shuts down your ovaries. This way, less blood is going to them and hopefully less chemo too! There is a big risk of young women who go through chemo having a hard time getting pregnant in the future, or going into early menopause, so this treatment decreases the likelihood of this happening. The doctor sent me to a pharmacy with a prescription for a shot and then told me to come back and they would administer it.

So off to the pharmacy I went, only to find that they didn't carry that medicine. I was pretty confused as to how the office didn't know that but.... So I headed back to the doctors office and the proceeded to call every pharmacy in the greater Grand Rapids, Holland and Kalamazoo area and found that nobody had it in stock. They finally were able to order it online.  On Saturday morning I received the shot via FedEx. Now the question was, how the heck was I going to take it?

Hump day was a hard day...

Wednesday I had my first meeting with the oncologist after she had confirmed that chemo was in my future.  At the end of the appointment we had decided to officially go with chemo.  I will have 4 treatments, one every two weeks. By looking at the calendar, I think I'm missing some of the best weeks to miss at school. One of the weeks is ACT/MME week where classes are weird and it's hard to get teaching done with so many students gone, and the last week of chemo should be during Spring break.  Besides knowing that I am officially starting chemo, I know that I officially will lose my hair.

After my appointment I headed to work for a meeting and to cover detention. They were good distractors and got my mind off of things. I was holding it together pretty well til I started talking to my friend Ron Dersma and had to leave his classroom before I totally lost it. (Sorry for that awkwardness Ry!)

On my way home I decided I was allowing myself to throw a pity party tonight only. I picked up a frozen pizza, cookie dough and Mountain Dew. I don't even drink Mountain Dew but I felt like it was appropriate. haha I let myself cry and think terrible thoughts about myself. And then I decided that was enough. I am not scared of any of the chemo effects except for hair loss. In the big scheme of life, that is so small.  People lose so many bigger things in their life than hair. It will grow back.

If I thought Wednesday was a challenge, I had no idea the whirlwind I was in for in the coming days....

It's best to just keep my mouth shut...

So, I knew I shouldn't post my last post. I had this gut feeling that if I posted that, I'd regret it. I knew the minute I admitted out loud that I was getting comfortable that reality would hit yet again.

Yesterday started out great. Received a 5:30am phone call for an unexpected snow day and some friends and I made out usual snow day plans for lunch out to celebrate.  I was busy painting my nails when the doctors office called. I knew when she started with "do you have some time to talk" that I wasn't going to like this conversation. (On a side note: it's amazing that every time I've gotten calls about this situation, it's been either on vacation days or snow days so I haven't had deal with these chats at school.)

The results from my testing were back. Like I said earlier, the ONCO testing would test the cancer cells for their aggressiveness and put them into a category of low, intermediate or high. Mine fell in the intermediate category, but one point from being high. Womp, Womp...... This score, along with my age (have I mentioned this isn't something a 34 year old normally deals with???) and the fact that there were multiple (2) spots of cancer that she was recommending a short term of chemo. Yup, another sucktastic C word coming into my life.  She said that I could have come in yesterday to talk things over, but my mom was in Lansing for the day and I knew that she would NOT appreciate me having a meeting like this without.  So, we'll be going in on Wednesday morning to talk over my chemo cocktail options.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad/mad/scared/frustrated/all the above about this developement. However, I am all for anything that gives me a better chance of avoiding this crap later. I've said before that in the back of my mind I worry about what else is lurking in my body that hasn't been found, and hopefully if there is something, this chemo will find it and eliminate it.  I made the mistake of googling chemo options and found that there are some that don't cause to lose your hair. Now my hopes are up. But even if I do, it will grow back.

I'll fill you in more after Wednesday after I have more answers to how long chemo will last and when I will actually start it.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

So don't get me wrong, I've really enjoyed the last two weeks of calm. No appointments, no phone calls from doctors, no tests. But, I've become comfortable. I've stoped worrying about the results of my ONCO testing. I've stopped obsessing over the possibility of chemo. I've gone back to my routine. However, I know that two weeks was how long they said results would take, so any day now I will get a call.

I got this comfortable one other time. Before I got the results of my second biopsy (the one that led me into this situation) I let myself believe that it was taking so long because they didn't find anything and so there was no rush to tell me. I can even remember my mom saying "well, if something was really wrong they would have called immediately." Yeah, well that didn't work out so well.

So in the mean time, I'm just sitting on my sofa, waiting for a call, wishing for good news. Don't think that I'm holding out on you guys, I'll let you know as soon as I know. :)

I might sound like a broken record, but just want to say thanks again for the cards, texts, calls, flowers and cookies. You all have helped me keep my sanity!

I've been called dense before but not like this!

So, I don't think I've really addressed this yet, but through this process I have been told that I have extremely dense breasts. Prior to this, I didn't even know that existed! Then a couple of weeks ago Channel 8 started showing this commercial (On a side note, it isn't until you have a cancer diagnosis that you notice just how many commercials there are about cancer):

Clearly having dense breasts can be a serious thing. I am VERY lucky that I could feel my lump. I am not one to go to the doctor often (especially the doctor for girl parts) so if I hadn't, who knows how long that lump would have been there before it was caught. And, by not catching that lump, my cancer cells would have had plenty of time to develop into more cancer and spread and you know where I'm going here! I shudder at the thought. My lady friends, get you boobies checked! I don't care that mammograms aren't supposed to be done until around 40, get them checked!


By the way, no news on the treatment front. However, this was the first week in about two months that my breasts didn't have to go on display to anyone. Win! (Ok pervs, I meant to doctors. Geez!) (Not that they went on display to boys either....)

I do not enjoy the waiting game...

Dear Readers, (I guess I'm just assuming there are multiple of you)

I have not been avoiding you I swear. I just have zero updates. (Believe me, it's frustrating me as much as it does you!)

Today I went to my surgeon and she said everything looks good with my incisions.  She said I'll be seeing her every 3 months for a year, but that she wants to see me in 6 weeks this time because she wants to see what the scar tissue is doing.  She's worried that the scar tissue will form lumps that will feel much like the original lump and she doesn't want me worrying about this for 3 months. (Have I mentioned how much I like her???)

Right now we are waiting for the latest test (ONCO) to come back. This will determine how aggressive the cancer was. I think it's on a scale of Low-Moderate-High. If it comes back low, my treatment plan will just include radiation. If it comes back high I will have chemo and then radiation. If it comes back moderate....more tests! Can we have a group rally for a Low result please? K thanks! 

I have had very few meltdowns/freakouts lately, but in the late night hours of Tuesday I let myself get wrapped up in the thoughts of chemo. If you have been my friend for a while, you know I have a love/hate (or more hate/hate) relationship with my hair.  It's thick, frizzy, unpredictable, and caused me to have a fro for most of middle school.  Just recently, thanks to Miss Jessie's Pillow Soft Curls (well worth the $22 price tag) I have started to love my hair again. It terrifies me to think of losing it. Also, I know I have a giant flat spot on my head that does not need to be seen. And I teach teenagers and that'll just be awkward (especially since they don't know about this whole thing yet). And yes, I know there are many other side effects of chemo, but the hair thing is the one I'm most worried about (does that make me shallow?). Ok I'm done with this topic.

Well, I think that's all for now. After a 1.5 day work week to start the new semester I'm already behind. I love snow days but I could seriously use getting back into a routine. It's been great seeing my students and coworkers again!

Thanks for being my readers/friends/family!
Jenn

Thanks for the extra time off snow!

Yesterday was my first appointment at the Cancer and Hematology Center.  I met with Dr. Vanderwoude (yet another doctor I really liked). Before I get into the appointment, lets just discuss one thing. Nothing makes you realize you have cancer more than going into a cancer center. As weird as it sounds, I sometimes forget about it. Besides the slight lingering pain from last weeks surgery,  I don't feel sick, I am on no medications, and overall life hasn't changed much. It was obvious that many of the patients in the office are battling cancer. I'd be lying if I said that didn't freak me out a little.

Because my surgery was only on Thursday, Dr. Vanderwoude was still missing some results. Here are some of the things she did know:
  -The margins around the area they removed were good, meaning that there was enough room between the cancer and the edges to make the doctors happy. This also means that they aren't going to have to go back in and take more out. This makes me happy.
  -There were two tiny spots of cancer outside of the ductal carcinoma they already knew about. These spots were tiny however (5mm and 3mm) which made them happy.
  -She confirmed that the 2 nodes that they took out were clear
  -She also said that my incisions looked really good for being so soon after surgery. (On a side note: the bruising I have is kinda ridiculous! I seriously might include a picture one of these days.)

Now the cancer cells have to be tested to determine what the treatment plan is. Here is where it all gets confusing. Words like estrogen receptors and her 2's and such came into the conversation. I think I want there to be estrogen receptors? And then there is ONCA testing that might be done. All of these things will determine whether chemo will be involved. The chemo word came up a couple too many times for my liking in this meeting.

The frustrating thing is I feel like there are so many questions still unanswered. I just want to get going. I'm anxious to figure out what the treatment will be and how it will affect me (and frankly school). I want to be able to answer the questions I get from people.

I still haven't been back to school since surgery. Monday I had my doctors appointment in Grand Rapids so I took the day off and today we had a snow day. I am getting a little stir crazy. All of the good TV is gone from my DVR and I've eaten one too many cookies. I need to get back to school, back to a routine, and have something else to think about. I might not go so far as to say I miss my students (maybe I do a little), but I do miss my coworkers!!!

So there is a little update for you. More snow is on the way so we'll see if I make it back to work tomorrow!

Recovery Mode

Coming out of surgery I was REALLY confused. I remember being wheeled into the operating room and then I woke up in recovering.  The confusion totally frustrated me and I felt like people just kept asking me questions. Sorry nurse, I can't really focus on what I want for a snack when I'm trying to figure out what the heck just happened! I had some pain right away, but after finding the right mix of meds I was feeling pretty good. I am soooo not good at giving my pain a number by the way.

So far, two days after surgery, I'm feeling really good. No real pain, though I've been taking pain meds so perhaps if I wasn't I would have some pain.  My right arm is pretty sore because I've been favoring it. The doctor told me I need to work on keeping a good range of motion so I've been trying to do normal things with it.

I took the bandages off and looked at my incisions. Hard to really tell anything with the sterile strips still on it but I have two incisions and they are longer than I thought they would be. That prompted the following text conversation:
Me: Looked at my incisions. Kinda big. Porn career officially out.
Sarah: Yeah right! You just need to find the right market. I'm sure there's a whole "sluts with scars" fetish out there.
Me: hahaha
Sarah: People wanted to see Octomom naked for Christ sake!
Me: You have totally lifted my spirits!
(Didn't I say I had awesome friends?)

It should be noted, I have no intention of starting a porn career, though I bet it makes better money than being a public school teacher so....

I'm sad that I'm sitting in Holland, Michigan, while my college friends are off to Louisville for our annual girls trip. Effing cancer! I almost decided to go with them and recover down there, but then I got a call that I have a doctor's appointment Monday so the trip was officially out. Probably best, sleeping in my own bed when I'm not feeling the greatest makes me happy, and I wouldn't be able to go in the hot tub which would depress me. :)

No news about the tumor so far. I'll share when I do.

French Fries never tasted so good!

Finally got home around 8pm. That was a ridiculously long day! I was sooooo confused when I woke up in recovery. I remember getting wheeled into the operating room and then that's about it.

From what I hear, my lymph nodes look clear so that's good! Once they do some more tests on what they took out they can make sure that they got everything.

Celebrated with McDonald's cheeseburgers and fries.

I'll post more tomorrow after (hopefully) a good night of sleep.

Thanks again for all of the texts, emails, prayers, thoughts and overall awesomeness you guys!

Quick update (yes, I'm still hungry)

Two procedures down and just surgery to go. After one procedure today I ended up with a wire sticking straight out of my boob. It was comical. Sorry I didn't have my phone with me to include a picture of that.

I still have another two hours to wait until surgery. I'm trying not to think about food. (Damn that didn't last).

Thanks for all the kind words today! Means a ton!

No food or drink til when???

I've hit that annoying point where I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything until after surgery. Here is a list of things that I might commit a crime for right now (note: yes, I'm being slightly dramatic):
-A large fountain diet pepsi
-A donut (specifically a yeast donut with chocolate frosting from my local Speedway Gas Station)
-Gum
-French fries
-Son of a Baconator (Note: if you haven't had one of these burgers, get one!)
-Some of the chocolate caramel chex mix I decided to make this morning to send with my girls going to Louisville (Ladies, that was sacrifice haha)
-Anything to drink!


Besides being hungry, here are the other things I've slightly stressed over today:
-What should I wear? I have a lot of comfy clothes to choose from.
-I can't wear deodorant? Pretty sure the annoyance of that is making me sweat more
-What do I do with my hair? Up? Down? Straight?
-What? I can't use any hair products? Have you seen my hair?
-Do I have enough Saran Wrap? (Note: it's close but I think I'll be ok) (Note: no, I was not trying to say that my boobs are so big that I'll need a lot)
-How long until I get to eat??????

Side note:  I have not stressed about school at all. Then again, I might have gone a little overboard with four pages of sub notes and piles sorted by day each labeled with a Post-it. I meant to take a picture and forgot.

Ok off to begin the long day! I've been asked to provide a picture of the saran wrapped breast (you can thank Jess for that one). Not sure I'll put that on the world wide web. Ha!

Happy Lumpectomy (sp?) Day!

So tomorrow is the day. If I had my way, my surgery would have been on January 1 (the day after I found out about the "situation") but alas, it was scheduled for the 17th.

Here is the schedule for my day:

-At 10am I must apply numbing cream to my breast and wrap it in Saran Wrap. Yes, that is literally part of my surgical plan. Note to self: Make sure you have Saran Wrap at home...
-At 10:45 I have to report to the Breast and Bone Center. Here a couple of things will happen. The first is that they will place guide wires around my tumor. This will give the surgeon (have I mentioned how much I love my surgeon?) an exact idea of where to remove stuff. I also will have some kind of injection that will put blue liquid into my body so that they can see how it travels to my lymph nodes. At least I think that's what they are doing. Perhaps I should pay better attention... I might not know what that blue liquid does, but I do remember her telling me not to freak out when my urine is blue and i have blue streaks on my skin. Clearly I remember the important stuff!
-After I am done at the appointment I have to check in to the hospital. They say my surgery will be somewhere around 1:30pm and could be around 2 hours long. I will be having a lumpectomy and having lymph nodes removed. I probably spelled both of those wrong and didn't use the correct medical terms but oh well. They said to bring something do keep me busy. Thank goodness I have two iPads! Perhaps I'll take some action shots for you guys following along at home. (You know you'd love it!)
-Then it is back home to recover. My mom is staying with me Thursday night so that is nice.

I have purposely been storing things up in my DVR for this weekend so don't tell me who the Bachelor chooses or who gets eliminated from Top Chef!

I have worked hard to get everything set at school for the finals I will miss and everything copied for the new classes I start next semester. (I killed a few trees with all of the copies I made). I've tried not to stress out too much about being gone from school. I have to keep reminding myself that my students will be fine and that I am the priority.

Some people have been asking me what I need or how they can help. I have a really hard time answering that because I honestly don't know. I'm a perpetually single girl and I get very used to doing things on my own so it's hard to ask people for help. So if I tell you I don't need anything it's not that I don't appreciate the offer, it's that I honestly am not sure what I need!

But, if you enjoy reality tv and sitting around on the sofa then come on over! That's exactly what I'll be doing for the next couple of days.

Hypochondria is one of my many charming traits

Since I was young, if I heard about an ailment I was pretty convinced I had it. I may not have voiced this out loud, but I could talk my self into and out of having various medical problems quite quickly.

Just some of the examples:
-Somebody once told me (either my mom or grandma) that if your stomach ache was at the bottom of your stomach you would be find. If it was on the top, you were going to throw up.  I spent many nights tracking the pain in my stomach trying to gauge if I was going to vomit. I rarely did and I'm pretty sure my worrying only made the pain worse.
-In middle school we read the book "Hatchet". If I remember correctly, the pilot of the airplane complained about pain in his left arm before he died of a heart attack. Any pain in my left arm freaked me out after that. (It should be noted that I rarely read books that I was assigned. I read this one unfortunately.  Pretty sure it scarred me for life.)
-After Wes died, every shortness of breath or pain or pretty much anything out of the ordinary had me convinced something was wrong.

None of these worries have gotten better now that my "situation" has come around. Last night I went to  bed and my back ached. Couldn't figure out why. This morning not only did my back ache but I also had a headache. What immediately came to mind? The cancer is spreading! It's in my brain and back!
After a mini meltdown, I stopped at the gas station to buy Extra Strength Tylenol (since I only had Ibuprofen at home and I'm not supposed to take that) and by 1st hour the pain was gone.

I can't wait until Thursday is over and the worry/wondering if the cancer has spread will be answered (and hopefully gone). The MRI didn't show anything besides the tumor they know about, but then again, the first biopsy came up negative... (Sidenote: I hate the waiting game. I am not good at it.)

Another sidenote: yes, I realize my quirkiness just came through loud and clear with this post. If only you could hear the other crazy thoughts in my head. If you think I fret about health issues, you should hear how I fret about boys! :) (And yes, I said boys and not men. Let's be honest, they're boys and they are dumb.)

Maturity is not my forte

Today I had to spend 15 minutes talking to  a nurse at Holland Hospital in preparation for my surgery Thursday. Here are some of the highlights:

Nurse: Have you fallen lately?
Me: Fallen?
Nurse: Yes, fallen.
Me: Yes actually. The other day I fell in the cafeteria in front of a lot of high school students.
Nurse: Was this from feeling off balance or dizzy?
Me: No, just from overall clumsiness.
Nurse: Did you hurt anything?
Me: Just my pride...


Nurse: When was the start date of your last period?
Me: (Insert date here. You know you don't really want to know)
Nurse: Oh, so there's no way you're pregnant?
Me: (Insert loud laughter here) No!
*How single did that just make me sound....*


After all her questions, she asked if I had any. I did, "Does the hospital have wireless?"

Yes, I clearly have my priorities straight! The thought of surgery is not scary right now, but the thought of being without wireless for hours is!

Ripping off the bandage

I found that at times, telling people I have cancer was almost worse than having it (note I said almost).  Some people knew that I had been having tests done but not many.  When I got the call on New Years Eve I knew I had to call my mom first.

My parents were set to go on vacation the next day, and part of me wanted to wait for them to come back before I told them. Seeing that my mom was already slightly  (ok very) angry that I didn't even tell her about all of this until after my first biopsy, I figured that wasn't a good idea. They ended up cancelling their trip which lead to some major guilt.  I knew they would want to come to my doctor's appointment later that week, but I still felt bad that my "situation" was causing them to miss a vacation.

Then I had to move on to telling friends. Those that knew about my biopsies were somewhat easy to tell. It made it easier if people had called to ask what my results were.  For others, I had to decide how the heck to start the conversation.  It's funny how when you tell some people you can barely keep it together and when you tell others you end up laughing.  I guess that's just the different dynamics of friendships.  Some people I could tell face to face, and some, it took days of crafting the perfect email and getting the guts up to send it.  I found my best guy friends to be the hardest to tell. It's not like we discuss boobs on a regular basis, let alone mine!

Then I had to decide what to do about telling my students. For now, I'm not. Who knows if that's the right decision or not, but as Sarah says "Jenn, it's your cancer and you get to deal with it how you want."  When I was a senior in high school my Calculus teacher announced to our class that he had cancer and would miss the next couple months. I know how much that shook me up and I just didn't feel like I needed to do that to my students. As it stands now, I'm not planning on missing a chunk of school. If this changes, I'll deal with it then. But for now, we'll keep them clueless. Then again in Fennville, nothing stays secret for long.

There is no way, unless I post it on Facebook, of telling everyone that probably should know.  I'm sure there will be some people angry that I never told them. But guess what, I'm angry I have cancer so they can suck it! :)

Becoming an artist

I have not taken a single art class since 8th grade. I was one of those dorks that took math instead of art in high school. In college I had to drop the only art class I took after developing all of my film wrong the night before my midterm project was due.

However, I am now a pro at drawing breasts. Ok pervs, not like that. I can draw the basic outline of one,  I can diagram my tumor including it's wonky edges, the duct it is growing in, and the micro invasion that formed as well as the areola and where I have to put numbing cream before my surgery.  For extra credit, I can also draw the lymph nodes in my arm pit. Perhaps I should look into taking art classes in the future?

Google is not always your friend

Things I never thought I would find in my google search history:
   -Is radiation like sunburn?
   -How bad does a lumpectomy hurt?
   -Breast Cancer gene test
   -Side effects of radiation
   -BRCA 1 &2
   -Stereotactic Biopsy
   -Valium side effects (Note: this is because they gave me valium before my MRI, not because I take it)
   -Vacuum assisted biopsy
   -Stages of breast cancer


Google is great because when you have zero prior knowledge about all things breast cancer it provides some great links to information. However, the is a lot of scary shit out there! Avoid typing things such as: What other cancers can breast cancer patients suffer from? The words "brain cancer" will pop up and that's something you DO NOT need to read. (Advice from someone that read it.)

I've found that the informational packet my doctor gave me to be the best thing for me to read. Way less scary than the world wide web!!!

I miss the days of worrying about my jeans and not my genes

Two days after my diagnosis I had to go in for genetic testing. I wasn't quite sure how this was done, I just was told that I couldn't eat for two hours before the text. This confused me slightly because I guess I just assumed genetic testing involved getting blood drawn. To my surprise (and my relief) this genetic testing was done using mouthwash.  I had to swish two rounds of mouthwash for 30 seconds each. Isn't kind of amazing that from just that you can tell genetic mutations? Modern medicine blows my mind sometimes!

Last week the genetic test came back negative for BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 mutations.  This means that I don't have the gene for breast cancer. Good news for me and my family! I know there is one more genetic test out there (can't remember what it's called) but I won't know the results of that for another couple of weeks.

My doctor had told me that if the results came back negative, I was headed for 6 weeks of radiation after my lumpectomy.  If it came back positive, we would start talking mastectomy.  So for now, it seems radiation is in my future.

Is it odd that I can't decide if I was team radiation or team mastectomy? Obviously I'm happy that the genetic tests came back negative, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have times that I think that having a mastectomy sounds less scary than radiation.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

I have amazing friends. It's not that I'm just now figuring this out, I am just even more reminded of that since I found out about my "situation". I have gotten calls, letters, texts, emails, iTunes gift cards and even the world's largest whoopee cushion in the last two weeks.  I have friends bringing me food after my surgery and friends grading my finals because I'll be out of school.

I get stressed sometimes that I don't do a good job of expressing my thanks to these great people.  Their words are so perfect (and usually make me cry) and I feel like my thank you never sounds as perfect. Just know, I remember all the kind words, read the messages daily, and never take any of it for granted.

I hope you never have to go through this crap yourself.  But if you do, I hope you have friends as awesome as mine to help you through the journey.

Just to clarify, my "situation" is my breast cancer. Sarah says I used the word situation a lot when talking about it. That's usually because I'm talking about it at school and I haven't filled my students or some of my coworkers in on what's going on. I have also called it my "condition" but I'm not as big of a fan of that descriptor. 

Do you drink a lot of caffeine? That's probably what's causing this.

So in the middle of November I found a lump. I don't really remember the first time I found it, nor do I really remember what I was doing when I found it. I know for sure I wasn't doing a breast exam like they recommend you do. I was probably putting on a shirt or something. The lump was on the top of my breast and pretty easy to feel.  Being the avoider I am, I ignored it. However, being the slightly OCD person I am, I was always very aware of it.  I decided I should probably get it checked out, but I really had no idea how to start the process. I didn't even have a primary care doctor (yeah I'm a pretty responsible 34 year old).  After consulting with a friend I made a doctors appointment to get it checked out.

December 5th started the journey. The first doctor I went to (my gynecologist) confirmed that there was a lump and said I should go get a mammogram and ultrasound to get it checked out. After asking about my age (not the typical age for cancer) and family history (no cancer in our history) she asked "do you drink much caffeine?" If you know me and my love of a fountain drink you know this is a yes.  She then explained that caffeine can make cysts more prevalent. I left that appointment feeling pretty good.

The next week I was off for my next set of tests.  Can I just take a moment to confirm that mammograms hurt like a bitch! In fact at one point I said to the technician "how do little old ladies take this pain?" I mean, I like to think I'm pretty tough, but that crap hurt! After what seemed like 100 compressions of my breast, I was off to the next room for an ultrasound. (Should be noted that in between rooms I ran into a student's mom. As if that isn't awkward!) The ultra sound was much less painless. However, an ultrasound of a breast is far less exciting than an ultrasound of an unborn baby. Not that I know from experience. After these tests another doctor came in and said "we don't like what we see so we are going to send your for a biopsy." I left that appointment feeling not so good.

The next week I was off to my ultrasound. At this point, I think I had been to more doctors appointments in the month of december than I had the entire year.  Anyways, the biopsy wasn't too bad. My doctor (whose first name is Liberty Bell) was AWESOME and explained everything. If anyone in the Holland, Michigan, area needs a surgeon go to her! A week later she called to say that the biopsy had come back benign but that they weren't totally comfortable giving me the all clear.  They knew there were some calcium deposits around the lump that did not show up in the biopsy. Another biopsy it is! At this point I'm feeling a little better.

The day after Christmas came biopsy #2.  This one was like a mammogram and biopsy in one. A fun way to spend your Wednesday afternoon is with your breast through a hole in a table, while paddles squeeze it until is is held in place and then they stick a needle in it. Oh and you can't move.  Oh and let's throw in the fact that I had the flu and a temperature over 101.  Awesome.

On New Year's Eve I got the call about my second biopsy. Here is what I remember....blah blah blah cancer....blah blah blah stage zero....blah blah blah invasive....blah blah blah cancer. Yeah once you hear those words you tend to tune everything else out.  

That is the abbreviated version of my month of December. Pretty awesome right? At least it left me with an easy resolution for 2013: Kick Cancer's Ass!

The Situation (I wish I was referring to Jersey Shore)

After taking two weeks to come up with a creative title for this blog (because seriously, nobody wants a lame blog address) I am finally venturing into the blogging world to share my journey (also referred to as my "situation") fighting breast cancer.

Seriously though, cancer? In the immortal words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

*If I was a more experienced blogger, here is where you would find a hilarious clip of Sweet Brown. I'll work on that...*

I have found in the two weeks since my diagnosis that my friends and family want to be supportive and have lots of questions (which I'm usually bad at answering) so I figured this would be an easy way for people to get those answers. Hopefully I'll actually remember the things the doctor tells me (I get slightly overwhelmed at times).

For the record, I do not mind talking about my "situation". I hardly even cry when talking about it anymore! (Which is good because that can make for an awkward interaction). So please, feel free to call me, text me, email me any time that you want some information especially if I haven't shared any in a while. I don't mind at all.

Ok the creativity it took to write this post has me spent (I'm a math teacher, creativity is not my forte). More to come soon!