Anniversaries

I am about as single as they come so anniversaries have never really been something I've had or celebrated.

Someone asked me the other day if I remember much of the last year. Clearly they don't realize the power of my memory. I can tell you the dates of: my diagnosis, my surgery, my port surgery, each chemo, the day I told my students, my port removal, the day Gary shaved my head, the beginning and end of radiation and probably more I'm forgetting right now. Many of these anniversaries are happening this winter.

These anniversaries are making me want to blog again. I always thought I'd just want to forget 2013. However, it's part of the story of my life (insert my humming of One Direction's song)*. Avoiding it doesn't make it go away and there are things I've realized in the last year that I'd like to get out of my head.

So hopefully there will be more blog posts from me. Yes, you are rolling you're eyes at me. Yes, I've said this before. But hopefully, there will be some people who keep me to this! (You know who you are). So if I have any readers here still.....Jenn's back!

*Hey, I teach high school kids. I'm hip with their music

Holly

*Disclaimer: I swear in this post. Cancer makes you do that. (Wait....what was my excuse before then?)
*Names have been changed


I have mentioned before that one of biggest regrets during chemo was not talking to other patients more. I kept to myself, brought friends, and always requested a private room.  On my very last day of chemo I met Holly. I had actually met her about a month earlier, but hadn't really gotten a chance to chat with her.

Holly and I had a lot in common. Both 35, both single, living in Holland, and both had breast cancer. Her's was stage 2, mine stage 1. She even worked with a parent of one of my students. If we had met under different circumstances, we probably would have been friends. She was very easy to talk to, funny and it made me sad that we had only just met.

She finished chemo about a month after me, but after figuring out that we knew someone in common, we would get updates on each other. I heard all about her reconstructive surgery and when she finished radiation. I'm sure she heard all about my crazy curly hair. I hadn't run into our mutual acquaintance in a while and had been wondering how she was doing.

Last night I got the update. Holly was recently diagnosed with non-operable brain cancer. Of course I was told this at parent-teacher conferences and proceeded to have to spend some time in the bathroom pulling myself together. The total meltdown happened on the ride home when I actually had time to process everything. Note to self: sobbing makes you dizzy so you probably shouldn't have been driving.

I didn't really expect the news to rock me like it did. But I'm sad/terrified/boggled for so many reasons:
  -It's not fair that not even a year after finishing chemo for one cancer, Holly has another. She thirty-
   fucking-five years old! Not that anyone EVER deserves cancer but this is a total slap in the face.
  -How did it even get there? How did they not know?
  -Why didn't the last chemo zap it? (yes I know, it probably wasn't there)
  -How do you even face your own mortality that young?
  -Why didn't we keep in contact? How can I help?
and absolutely worst of all,
  -She's my age, she had my cancer, she could be me.

Rational Jenn knows she is healthy. She knows that all of her scans have come back clean. She knows that he doctor told her Tamoxifen is good to be on. It's that irrational Jenn that lost it. It's irrational Jenn that needed a breakdown of every symptom she'd had before her diagnosis. Irrational Jenn started fretting about every single ache and pain she's had lately and convinced herself it was bad.

I realize that this will not be the last time one of these meltdowns will happen, but they are not something I am looking forward to.

I am sending thoughts and strength to Holly, her family, her friends, her coworkers and everyone else in her life.

Cancer, you seriously are a little beeeyotch!

6 Months

So this week marks 6 months since I finished chemo. I know this sounds cliche, but it feels like yesterday that I was in the thick of it. Because it's been 6 months, I have a whole round of doctors appointments in the next weeks. I think that every 6 months I have to see all of my doctors and get new scans.

To say that I am nervous about these appointments is an understatment. I've had them on the calendar for two months and I don't think they've left my mind yet. As this week has gotten closer, I can feel the anxiety increase. I have no reason to think they will find anything, and I want so much to just confidently walk in there knowing nothing will show up. But, this whole process has made me believe differently. My mom said to me today "well, you're feeling fine aren't you?" I wanted to say "yeah, but I felt great when they found cancer the first time!"

I'm going to apologize now to anyone I snap at this week (my poor students....). It's coming from stress and nothing else.

Any prayers and thoughts you can send my way the next two weeks are greatly appreciated. I'll just be here trying to stay calm. :)

Not exactly the sunburn I wanted this summer...

Today, July 12th, is my very last radiation treatment. For the past 33 weekdays (I started the day after Memorial Day) I have had a 3:45 doctor's appointment (with the exception of some that were earlier in the day). I could make no vacation plans because then I wouldn't be there for my appointment. Most days I would have to go straight from work, which meant no relaxing on the sofa after 8+ hours of work.  I have had to lay on a board shirtless while radiation techs adjusted the giant machine around me 33 times.  I have what looks like sunburn all over my right breast and for a good week I couldn't move my right arm without pain because the burn had gotten so bad under my arm. But....

I have secretly loved radiation.  Despite all of the hassles, it has been a fascinating experience.

Let's start with radiation itself. It's so mathematical and exact. The techs have to make sure you are perfectly lined up each time (using tattoos and lasers) and they have numbers and angles they use to do this which go straight to this math nerd's heart. The burn has perfectly straight edges which just shows how exact my treatments are each day. I would ask a lot of questions (probably too many) about what all the numbers meant and I would spend each treatment counting how many seconds the machine ran to try and figure out how long my treatments actually were. (25 seconds on each side) I was always interested in how people with other types of cancer (like the sweet lady before me who has cancer behind her nose) got their radiation.

The doctors, nurses and techs at Lakeshore Area Radiation Oncology Center are awesome. They are warm and welcoming. They get to know you. They get excited for you and root for you. They remember every fact about you that you ever tell them. I guess that's kinda easy when you see someone 33 times, but still it amazed me. There is no other doctor's office that I would look forward to going to 33 straight days.

I realized after chemo was done that I didn't take advantage of getting to know others that were going through the same things that I was. I was kinda standoffish. I didn't want to own that I had cancer. I didn't want to hear people's stories because they scared me and were realities that I didn't want to face. Radiation has been a while different experience. Probably my absolute favorite thing has been talking to the people in the waiting room and hearing their stories. You trade stats, Jenn: stage 1 breast cancer, 4 rounds of chemo, lost my hair, 33 rounds of radiation. You see the same people most days which is nice. I sat next to a lady for 2 weeks before realizing that it was one of my friend's aunts! Once in a while a new person will start and you get to hear all of their stories. The funny thing is, I'm one of the few that lost their hair. Some never had chemo, others had a type that didn't make your hair fall out.

Some people stories are much sadder than mine. Like the lady who broke her leg and when she was in the hospital they discovered stage 4 lung cancer. Or the woman who had beaten stage 3 cancer two years ago only to have it come back even stronger.

Radiation was a total mystery to me 7 weeks ago. Now, I'm completely fascinated by it. So much so, that I may have researched what it takes to be a radiation tech.... :)

Two Roads

Someone asked me this question the other day: "Do you think people with cancer become nicer because they are grateful for the days they have?"

I thought about this for a minute and I decided that people can take one of two roads.

The first road is anger. I would be lying if I said I never took this road. This thing sucks, and I had it kinda easy. Most of the crying I did was angry crying. I was mad that I was in this mess. I was mad that people got to go on living their everyday lives and I didn't. It seemed like everyone had a baby or got pregnant, got engaged or married or had some other awesome event happen in their lives in the last 6 months.  Facebook was hard to look at sometimes.  I would NEVER wish upon someone what I went through, I was just purely jealous that I didn't have exciting things to share. (Sidenote: most of these things bother healthy single jenn as well haha)

But most days, I took the other road. I chose to be positive and be happy for others. I was thankful for all of the things people have done for me, and vowed to do the same for others. I wanted people to share the good things in their lives because someday I hope they'll still be around when I have big happy moments in my life as well. 

I have a feeling that the people that take the angry road realize that it's a pretty lonely one and, when you already have cancer, loneliness is NOT something you need.

Sincerest Apologies!

Well, I have officially lived up to my expectations as the worst blogger ever! Thanks to Allie for reminding me of this!

 So for your viewing pleasure this lovely Friday I present to your a collection of blog posts. Yes, I could put them all into one, but this way it looks like I'm blogging up a storm!

Happy reading!

Simulated and ready to go!

On Thursday I went in to be simulated. This is actually a pretty interesting process. You have to lie on this board, with your arms positioned over your head and they run you through an x-ray machine. Through this process they determine how the radiation beams will be directed.

The appointment was an easy one except for a few things:

• They rubberband your feet together so that you can't move them and so that you are straight on the board.
• They tell you to breathe normally while in the x-ray machine and don't take any deep breaths. Well any time someone tells you to breathe normally you are automatically very aware of how you breathe and you breathe all weird! And what constitutes a deep breath?!
• Your arms are over your head on boards. You have to decide how you will hold your hands each time during this appointment because any change in how your body is lined up can throw off the radiation process. For the record, I chose to hold my left hand in my right.
• While you are on this board, with your feet rubber banded together and your arms over your head oh yeah and topless, they take a lot of pictures of you. Awkward!!! I would hate to see those. 
• At the end of the process they have to give you tatoos. I had wondered how this was done. From what I can tell, they drop some ink on you and then prick you with a needle to push the ink under your skin. So now I have three faint black dots on my body which will help like up the (insert Dr. Evil voice) lasers.

I will have 33 radiation appointments (beginning the day after Memorial Day). Why 33 you may ask? No idea. Right now I have a 3:45pm appointment time. That works well with school, but once school is out it's going to be slightly annoying to have to be somewhere everyday at 3:45. Luckily the appointments are only between 15-30 mins.

This should be the last big thing I have to do in this process. Glad to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! 

And this is why I don't blog...

Sorry for the long break from blogging. No good reason for it, just have kinda forgotten about it. Yeah I knew this would happen eventually. Maybe it's a good thing that I haven't really had much to share?

So here is the rundown of the last three weeks....

I mentioned in my last post that I was going to meet with a genetic counselor about a test they want to run before I start chemo. It was to test for a P-53 (I think I'm remembering that right) mutation. This might have been the most stressful appt. I've had this whole time. Basically I have a 2% chance of having this. But, if I do have it, radiation can cause other types of cancer. However, if I had the test, it would take 6-8 weeks to get the results back which puts radiation off that long. Oh and the test might not be covered by my insurance. That was a lot to take in! I felt like they needed an answer right that minute and it stressed me out that I couldn't really get an answer as to whether it was ok to put off radiation. So I cried, and once that starts, it doesn't stop. Then the counselor wanted to talk about "where those tears are coming from." Oh I don't know, maybe because three people are staring at me in a small room and I have cancer and I'm mad that I'm even in that position!  In the end, I got the test. I'd hate to think I did radiation and caused myself harm.

So after that appt. the waiting game was back on. I was happy to have a break from appts. and procedures and such, but now radiation is getting pushed further into the summer.

During the waiting period I also had my port removed. That was exciting seeing that it meant that I really wasn't having any more chemo (hopefully never ever again). I find it funny that I had to go into the hospital and put under anesthesia to have it put in, but I could have it taken out in my surgeon's office.

Fast forward two weeks, I got a call at the end of last week that my test results had all come back negative. Evidently the letter from my radiologist had actually sped up the process. So now I'm just waiting for my doctors to call me to start radiation.

On the hair topic, I think it's finally starting to grow.  I seem to see some brown specks! Grow hair grow! I was researching online what I might be able to make it grow faster. Most posts said to eat healthy. Um, can you be a little more specific with that? Some said take prenatal vitamins, others said go for Rogaine. :) I might go the vitamin route. Anyone have any ideas?

Hopefully soon I'll have some good radiation stories for you!

Say WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

Here is the exchange that happened at the oncologist's office today:
Doctor: How are you feeling?
Me: Great!
Doctor: Ready to start something new?
Me: Um, yeah
Doctor: Ok so your next round of chemo will be....
Me: Wait......I HAVE MORE CHEMO?!?!?!?! (Ok I didn't yell it in real life but I did in my head)
Doctor: Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot we changed your plan. You're done!
Me: I thought by new you meant starting radiation!

Nothing like having the thought of more chemo to shake up your day. Come on doc! You made me wait 30 mins in the little examination room and then you get my treatment plan mixed up????

In brighter news, after that appointment I had to go get a mammogram to make sure that there weren't any more calcifications so that radiation can begin (whenever the whole genetic testing thing is done). The films all came back good (so worth the pain of the mammogram itself).

After a day of somewhat stressful and painful appointments, I rewarded myself with a nap. :)

Ready....Set....WAIT!

So with the end of chemo comes the start of radiation, or so I thought.

I met with the radiation doctor (radiologist?) over spring break and set up the appointment for me to be "simulated". In this appointment, they basically do a whole scan and plan where the (insert Doctor Evil voice here) lasers  will be pointed at me. After they get their data, it would take about a week and then I could start radiation. I was glad to have a starting date and to start the process. We scheduled radiation to be at 3:45 every day so that I wouldn't miss any school. I went to school this week and told my principal the plan, told the athletic director I couldn't work track meets, and told the assistant principal that I couldn't do any more detentions.

Then on Tuesday of this week, my surgeon called and said she had come across a new genetic test she would like me to do. Evidently this genetic mutation (wouldn't it be helpful if I could remember the name) is very rare and she doesn't think I'll test positive for it. However, with this mutation, having radiation will actually increase the likelihood of other cancers. Um....yeah let's have this test done! I guess it's a test they run on people under 35 so I'm just in!

So radiation is now on hold and I had to go back to all the above people and change what I had just told them. Slightly frustrating, though I'm excited to have a little time off to get a little energy going into radiation. They said that radiation will make me tired, but not as tired as chemo did.

With this break, I think I'm going to try and start working out again. I haven't been to the gym since right before my diagnosis and I'm ready to go back. Hopefully if I get a little endurance before radiation starts I'll be able to keep it up during it.

On another note, I'm trying to figure out if my hair is starting to grow back. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but if I could tell there was a little change that would make me EXTREMELY excited!

Dunzo!

So chemo is officially done! People kept asking me if I was throwing a party. I figure, I'm saving that for when radiation is done and all treatments are done.  Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY excited that chemo is done (cause that sucked). Let the hair growing commence! (Of course I mean on my head and not in those annoying places)

Radiation should start in a couple weeks which means I have a couple weeks "off". I'm excited to not really have any appointments for a while. Radiation will be annoying in its own right since it will need to be every single day at the same time. The good thing is that I can schedule it for after school so that I don't have to miss any extended periods of time from school anymore.

I met with the radiation doctor (I'm sure there is a more specific name for him) and the whole process is quite interesting. The math nerd in me was loving the discussion of angles and lasers and the exactness of it all.

So I guess this is a pretty boring post. I'm going to blame the exhaustion from chemo for that. Back to school tomorrow!!!

12:30am Thoughts

Now I have to say, I've tried to keep this blog pretty upbeat. I mean who wants to read a sappy/whiney  cancer blog, right? And to my credit (patting myself on the back) I feel like overall I've kept pretty upbeat. I've even felt really good more days than not. However, this night, at 12:30am I'm going to have a little pity party/bitch fest. In my inability to sleep I have put together the following list:

10 Things I'm over. And by over, I mean O.V.E.R.:

1. Not sleeping. 
• I have become a terrible sleeper. 2am is a time I see WAY too often. I will say that normally I'm asleep right now, but someone (who shall remain nameless) drunk FaceTimed me and the hilarity of that cancelled out my sleepiness. (And don't get too excited folks, it unfortunately wasn't a boy.)
2. Not having an appetite a lot of the time.
• I want to not have to think about what sounds good (or if anything sounds good). I am a girl that likes food and some of my favorites don't appeal to me at all anymore. I want to eat at regular meal times. I don't want it to take me 8 hours to finish a Big Apple muffin (like it did last Sunday)
• And for goodness sake, if you are going to take my appetite, cancer, can't you take like 10 pounds off my hips too!?!?
• On a side note, one of my students asked a fellow teacher "I know that Miss Lanphear really likes French Fries. Can she still eat those with cancer??" Bless her for looking out for me. Also, is that all she learned from my Algebra class?
3. Not having hair.
• I want my curls back. I want my go to ponytail back. I want the annoyance frizzy hair. I want my signature braids. I want to wear all of the Anthropologie headbands that I spent WAY too much money on. I want hair in the drain of my shower. 
• That being said, I'm still not sad about not getting a wig. I will say however, hats get really hot and there are so many times I just want to take the stupid thing off in the middle of class.
4. Soooo many appointments
• It's good that I like my doctors so much, because I have to see their faces very often.
5. Soooo many days off of school.
• I hate making sub plans. It is a pain in the butt. I feel like a bad teacher when I'm not there. I take it personally when kids fail my quiz after I have been gone for a treatment.  (Though ok. sometimes they fail if I'm there everyday too. But still!)
6. Having people worry about me
• I'm very good at worrying about others, not so good about having people worry about me.
• Don't get me wrong, the support has been awesome, but it's hard to know people worry.
7. Not really having a spring break because it's a chemo week
• It's great that it's my last chemo next week. It's convenient that it's during a week that I already have off so I don't have to take extra time off (see #5) but it sure would be nice if I could just have a week off. A week to catch up with friends and travel and sleep and eat and veg. Instead I'm really down to about 4 days of "feeling good" over break.
8. My students' poor attitudes
• Ok this really doesn't go along with the whole cancer thing, but seriously. Attention seniors, senioritis is not a real thing and even if it was, it doesn't start in February! And freshies, you have no excuse! I think we all need a week off from each other kids!
9. Nausea
• While this has definitely not affected me as badly as a lot of people, it's still been quite the annoyance. Smells, sights, sounds and even the mention of things make me nauseous. I have a greater appreciation for anyone with morning sickness. This sucks. I haven't actually thrown up at all, but sometimes I think the nausea is worse!
10. Cancer in general
• Newsflash big C, I'm over you. I'm tired of talking about you, thinking about you, and worrying about you. We are breaking up. Hopefully for good! It's not me, it's YOU!

Ok that's enough of that. I feel better. Thanks for letting me bitch friends!

Side note: In case you wondered, the list of things I'm thankful for is much longer than this list. :)

3rd time's not the charm

Sorry for being such a poor blogger. Frankly I'm impressed as heck that I've even kept this going as long as I have! From the page views I seem to have some followers, so for you, I will keep on blogging!

So round 3 was last week. Gotta say, this one was a little rougher than the last. Chemo day started with a visit to my surgeon for a routine checkup. I mentioned that I had a bump on my back that hurt and she informed me that I had a sebaceous cyst (sp?) that was infected. Awesome...  Normally this would an easy little procedure, but since it was chemo day, I had to get my treatment before she would lance the cyst. (Is that the correct usage of the word lance? hmmm...) So off to chemo I went with an appointment to go back to the surgeon after.

 My awesome friend Jessica (you can find her and her adorable family here) was my chemo buddy. Like most people who have gone with me (ok all the people who have gone with me) she didn't really know what to expect. Little did she know that with the added cyst appearance she was in for even more of a treat! The treatment went fine, it let us have tons of time to gossip, and then off we went back to the surgeon.

Getting rid of a cyst is much like popping a big pimple with slightly less excitement. (Oh you know you love that feeling of popping a big pimple!) This one was on the back of my shoulder so I didn't get to see much. However, the surgeon did show me the "shell" of the cyst (didn't know they had those) and Jess said that there was more fun stuff that came out. Now I thought this would be a simple "slice it open and stitch it up". Little did I know I would be in for daily "packings" of the hole even now (7 days later). Oh yeah, silly me, I forgot I have no immune system to heal this thing...  Big thanks to Nurse Lindsey for helping me out with this on more than one occasion!

I didn't have an awesome weekend in terns of feeling good but I think that was for many reasons. My body is fighting the mighty cyst. I know I didn't drink enough fluids. I slept terribly. I ate terribly. All in all I was a terrible cancer patient. I will make this better during my next and final round!!!

Round 2!

I think that round 2 of chemo actually went better than round 1 (thank goodness!).  Mom worked this time so joining me was the tag team of the hilarious Maria and Sarah.  Seriously, if you have to go to chemo, take people who will make you laugh. It makes the time go by soooo much faster!

I started watching Giuliana and Bill on E! while I was getting my treatment. It happened to be the episode where Giuliana was going through her breast cancer issues.  (Ironic right???) Anyways, I found myself getting angry with her that she didn't have to go through chemo, she only had radiation. The feeling of "oh, the pretty girl doesn't have to lose her hair" cursed through me. I feel like that was of the few times my feelings went from sad to angry over this. Sorry Giuliana for taking it out on you.

Anyways, after chemo I felt really good. Even Thursday I felt great and kinda thought I should have gone back and taught. By the end of Thursday I had a sore throat so it made the decision to not teach Friday a little easier. I think my allergies are causing the congestion and little sore throats I'm gettings. Things are starting to thaw out around here and typically the wetter it is outside, the worse my allergies are.

The hair is still coming out in clumps, and I have a cute little bald patch on the right side of my head. I think today is the day to shave it. It's driving me nuts how there is hair everywhere, and I would like to have it done before school on Monday. I figure, it's easier to show up on a Monday with no hair than on a Wednesday. haha

Strength

I get told time and time again how "strong" I have been through "the situation". I guess that never really crossed my mind. I'm just dealing with it the only way I know how. Even the nurses have commented on just how low my blood pressure was before all of my surgeries and treatments.

If I start to feel "weak" and trust me, there have been some meltdowns (have I mentioned how much I love a good cry in the shower) I just have to tell myself that wallowing is not going to do me any good. I can't change the situation I'm in, so I just have to deal with it best I can.

Choosing to work throughout this has helped. I can focus my energies on what I need to get done, and forget about the scary stuff. I think the students (especially my first hour) expect me to have lost some energy by now, but hasn't happened. One of them asked me if I feel sick and they were surprised to hear that I didn't really.  A lot of them have never watched someone go through cancer treatments so the only thing they know is what they've seen on movies/tv. We have had to chat about how what happened in "My Sister's Keeper" is NOT the same as I'm going through.

Here is the other thing. I refuse to be sad and mopey, when I have friends who have gone through bigger things in the last couple years and still manage to get through the days. If Ryan can teach every day in the gym where he watched his player pass away, and if Jocelyn can still work in the district where her son died and she and her husband can walk into the gym to watch Mitchell play after all that has happened, then I sure as hell don't get to sit around and feel sorry for myself.

I guess the moral of the story is, I don't feel strong. I just feel like I'm dealing with it the best I can. But, I do appreciate the compliments and it lets me know what I'm doing is going well.

Hair today, but not for much longer!

So on day 14 (Tuesday) my hair officially started to fall out...in clumps! That morning I took my ponytail holder out and was amazed at how much hair came out too.  As I ran my fingers through my hair I got even more clumps. It was crazy! It didn't hurt. I could tell that the hair was barely hanging on by anything. Even on day three of hairgate I still have enough for a little ponytail, but it is definitely not as thick as it used to be.  I think if I didn't have such thick hair from the start you'd probably see bald patches and perhaps it'd be totally gone. I'm going to give it to the weekend and then shave it off. I have a couple of cute hats now and am waiting on a couple from etsy. If anyone has any hat/scarf suggestions send them my way!

I have to admit that I'm pretty proud of the lack of tears I've shed over the hair loss. It was a tough drive to school Tuesday, but then I had some friends bring me some EXTREMELY thoughtful gifts as if they just knew that was the day I needed them.

Just a tip, waterproof mascara is a must during a time like this. Most times I don't cry because I'm sad. I cry everytime someone does something nice for me because I'm thoroughly touched by the generosity of people  Like I've said before, I hope none of my friends have to go through this, but I WILL find a way to pay the kindness forward!

5 days of school in a row?!?!?!

Managed to work a full week for the first time in two months! It was so nice to have no snow days, no appointments and to feel good enough to be at work the entire week. There were a lot of topics to get covered in my classes (especially Algebra) so I was glad I was there to teach it. I think I've set my classes up pretty well to be gone this week.

Chemo #2 is Wednesday. Here's hoping it goes as well as it did last time! I might even try to go back to work Friday.

More and more students and community members are finding out about "the situation" and they have been very sweet. I get texts from students that have graduated almost every day. At the basketball game Thursday night I received many well wishes from people who I can't figure out how they even know. It's really nice to know people are thinking of you and supporting you.

Hair today, gone ????

It is a well known fact that I have been fearing losing my hair. My pity party of a week ago was pretty much over that.

As a kid, I had awesome hair. I was bald until I was 2, and then I had Shirley Temple curls. In elementary school I remember priding myself on how long my hair was. And then, junior high came along....

Something happened in 6th grade. My hair went from wavy to kinky, curly, and crazy! It was terrible. There was nothing I could do with it. It was huge! They tried perming it, cutting it, anything to get it to calm down. Not until high school did it get slightly better. Even through high school and college and I disliked my hair. I could never just leave it down because it would get so frizzy. It was constantly in a ponytail. I wore my hair down exactly one time in high school (Ironically that was also the only day I wore a skirt to school. And for the record, I went home at lunch and put my hair up and changed my clothes).

When I started teaching, it was still usually in a ponytail. If I wanted to straighten it, I would have to plan to set my alarm extra early to get it done before I had to leave.  This year things have started to change. I don't know if it's because I've grown it out, or it's changed texture or after 34 years I've actually learned what to do with it, but I'm loving my hair. I leave it curly more often than not these days. And now I face losing it. The irony.

Yesterday Sarah and I went to look at wigs. Can we take a moment to discuss how creepy mannequin heads are? Why must they be creepy??? Can't normal faces be painted on them??? Anyways, after sitting for a long time amongst the creepy ladies, I came to the realization that I don't want a wig.

What if I spend a bunch on money on one and hate it? Will I really be willing to do the upkeep for a wig? I teach high school kids. They aren't going to get fooled by a wig. And I already stress about how my hair looks on a daily basis, I can't imagine stressing over how a wig looks. Plus, if I go out on the weekends and run into a student without it on, well that could just be awkward. So I'm going for it. Going bald. I mean, it works for my friend Ryan, so why not me?

Now, I am not saying I am shaving my head......yet.  I'm going to let this happen naturally. I'm going to see if I can get a haircut this week to take some length off so that when I do lose it I'm not losing as much. I bought some cute little hats to wear and I have a pretty good scarf collection so I'll see what I can do with those.

I'm not going to say I'll stay this calm through the whole hair process. In fact as I type this I'm fearing going to take a shower and having it all fall out, but I'm more ready for it to happen than I was before.  I've been told that when it comes in it's usually really curly. Now I'm hoping for a little fro in a couple months!

Food for thought

The questions I have gotten the most since I started chemo was "has it been a vomit fest?" Now I'm sure I get asked this for a couple reasons. One, the typical side effect of chemo is nausea and two, I am a puker. I throw up a lot! (TMI but a fun fact nonetheless) (And no, I'm not bulimic or anorexic!)

This has so far not been a "vomit fest". In fact, no vom to date! The first couple days I did have some nausea, but took my pills and that stopped it pretty fast. I have also found that hard candy has helped stop the nausea (and thanks to my friends I have a ton of that).

I haven't really had much of an appetite, however. We ordered pizza when we got home from chemo and that tasted pretty good, but the next day all I really wanted were the cheese sticks. Nothing else sounded good. I could have ordered Papa John's cheese sticks every day and been completely happy (and I almost did).  And worse, anything (except the fries) that I ate while I was at chemo immediately turned my stomach. (In fact, just typing that made me a little sick).

I think that part of my lack of hunger is not wanting to turn this into a "vom fest", but I know I need to eat. I've been trying to eat little meals along the way rather than big meals that might be too much for my stomach.

I've heard that through chemo your taste buds change and some of your favorite things you can't eat anymore. Is it totally irrational that I fear my love of fries will go away???

Round 1!

So this week was round 1 (of 4) of chemo. I honestly had very little idea of what I was in for. I've found that through all of these treatments, surgeries, etc., I've been pretty calm. I think the lack of knowing has actually led to less anxiety oddly.  The nurses (and my mom) are constantly commenting on how low my blood pressure is.  (Note: I had no idea going into this what a good blood pressure was.)

My chemo treatments last about 3 hours. Some of them are just hung in an IV bag, and one has to be "pushed" into my port.  They start you off with anti-nausea medicine to head off any nausea you might experience.  (Greatly appreciated!) The one that gets pushed in is bright red and it takes three large syringes full to get the job done. (Note: The red chemo makes my urine pink, adding to the rainbow of colors my urine has turned during this.)

You can either have a room to yourself or sit in the large open treatment room. This time I got a room to myself, I think that's because I was a newbie.  I think I like having my own room. You get a tv (which entertained my mom) and it's more personal. Some of the rooms have recliners (like mine) and some have beds. I guess it would be nice to take a nap during the process, especially since some treatments can take up to 8 hours!

The nurses were very nice and explained everything. They were slightly surprised that I had just gotten my port two days before. I wasn't able to numb the port site because it was all bandaged, so the pain of having the IV put into the port was really the only pain I had.  That won't happen the next time because I'll be able to put the numbing cream on ahead of time.

To keep myself busy, I played on my iPad, and opened the presents that my friend Sarah has sent along. Every so often the machine would start beeping to say that my IV bag was empty and then they would come add another medicine to the mix.  My mom went and picked up Wendy's along the way because she hadn't eaten. Fries were a lovely chemo treat!

They sent me home with two anti-nausea medications with the strict instructions that I take the one at the slightest hint of nausea and take both at bed time.

That night I felt pretty good other than a pretty good headache.  The next morning I woke up with the same headache. After not getting it to break with Ibuprofen, my mom finally realized that it was probably a "lack of caffeine" headache. I was told to drink 64oz of liquids each day and that anything with caffeine wouldn't count. Well, that didn't mean I couldn't have caffeine! As soon as I had a Diet Coke all was well. (And yes, it does disturb me that my body needed that Diet Coke...)

Thursday afternoon I had to go in for a shot to get my white blood cells going. This will always happen the day after the main chemo treatment. They told me that I would probably be really sore from this because it causes a lot of activity of your white blood cells in your bone marrow. Really, I haven't had much pain. At the end of the day my shoulders and neck are pretty sore, but that could also be from lounging on the sofa for many days.

I know that I'm REALLY lucky for how well this is going so far and I'm not taking that for granted. They said that usually how the first treatments go is what you should expect, so I'm hoping that the next three go smoothly.

Thanks as always for the texts, calls, emails, thoughts, prayers, food, flowers and hilarious packages. You guys rock!