I do not enjoy the waiting game...

Dear Readers, (I guess I'm just assuming there are multiple of you)

I have not been avoiding you I swear. I just have zero updates. (Believe me, it's frustrating me as much as it does you!)

Today I went to my surgeon and she said everything looks good with my incisions.  She said I'll be seeing her every 3 months for a year, but that she wants to see me in 6 weeks this time because she wants to see what the scar tissue is doing.  She's worried that the scar tissue will form lumps that will feel much like the original lump and she doesn't want me worrying about this for 3 months. (Have I mentioned how much I like her???)

Right now we are waiting for the latest test (ONCO) to come back. This will determine how aggressive the cancer was. I think it's on a scale of Low-Moderate-High. If it comes back low, my treatment plan will just include radiation. If it comes back high I will have chemo and then radiation. If it comes back moderate....more tests! Can we have a group rally for a Low result please? K thanks! 

I have had very few meltdowns/freakouts lately, but in the late night hours of Tuesday I let myself get wrapped up in the thoughts of chemo. If you have been my friend for a while, you know I have a love/hate (or more hate/hate) relationship with my hair.  It's thick, frizzy, unpredictable, and caused me to have a fro for most of middle school.  Just recently, thanks to Miss Jessie's Pillow Soft Curls (well worth the $22 price tag) I have started to love my hair again. It terrifies me to think of losing it. Also, I know I have a giant flat spot on my head that does not need to be seen. And I teach teenagers and that'll just be awkward (especially since they don't know about this whole thing yet). And yes, I know there are many other side effects of chemo, but the hair thing is the one I'm most worried about (does that make me shallow?). Ok I'm done with this topic.

Well, I think that's all for now. After a 1.5 day work week to start the new semester I'm already behind. I love snow days but I could seriously use getting back into a routine. It's been great seeing my students and coworkers again!

Thanks for being my readers/friends/family!
Jenn

Thanks for the extra time off snow!

Yesterday was my first appointment at the Cancer and Hematology Center.  I met with Dr. Vanderwoude (yet another doctor I really liked). Before I get into the appointment, lets just discuss one thing. Nothing makes you realize you have cancer more than going into a cancer center. As weird as it sounds, I sometimes forget about it. Besides the slight lingering pain from last weeks surgery,  I don't feel sick, I am on no medications, and overall life hasn't changed much. It was obvious that many of the patients in the office are battling cancer. I'd be lying if I said that didn't freak me out a little.

Because my surgery was only on Thursday, Dr. Vanderwoude was still missing some results. Here are some of the things she did know:
  -The margins around the area they removed were good, meaning that there was enough room between the cancer and the edges to make the doctors happy. This also means that they aren't going to have to go back in and take more out. This makes me happy.
  -There were two tiny spots of cancer outside of the ductal carcinoma they already knew about. These spots were tiny however (5mm and 3mm) which made them happy.
  -She confirmed that the 2 nodes that they took out were clear
  -She also said that my incisions looked really good for being so soon after surgery. (On a side note: the bruising I have is kinda ridiculous! I seriously might include a picture one of these days.)

Now the cancer cells have to be tested to determine what the treatment plan is. Here is where it all gets confusing. Words like estrogen receptors and her 2's and such came into the conversation. I think I want there to be estrogen receptors? And then there is ONCA testing that might be done. All of these things will determine whether chemo will be involved. The chemo word came up a couple too many times for my liking in this meeting.

The frustrating thing is I feel like there are so many questions still unanswered. I just want to get going. I'm anxious to figure out what the treatment will be and how it will affect me (and frankly school). I want to be able to answer the questions I get from people.

I still haven't been back to school since surgery. Monday I had my doctors appointment in Grand Rapids so I took the day off and today we had a snow day. I am getting a little stir crazy. All of the good TV is gone from my DVR and I've eaten one too many cookies. I need to get back to school, back to a routine, and have something else to think about. I might not go so far as to say I miss my students (maybe I do a little), but I do miss my coworkers!!!

So there is a little update for you. More snow is on the way so we'll see if I make it back to work tomorrow!

Recovery Mode

Coming out of surgery I was REALLY confused. I remember being wheeled into the operating room and then I woke up in recovering.  The confusion totally frustrated me and I felt like people just kept asking me questions. Sorry nurse, I can't really focus on what I want for a snack when I'm trying to figure out what the heck just happened! I had some pain right away, but after finding the right mix of meds I was feeling pretty good. I am soooo not good at giving my pain a number by the way.

So far, two days after surgery, I'm feeling really good. No real pain, though I've been taking pain meds so perhaps if I wasn't I would have some pain.  My right arm is pretty sore because I've been favoring it. The doctor told me I need to work on keeping a good range of motion so I've been trying to do normal things with it.

I took the bandages off and looked at my incisions. Hard to really tell anything with the sterile strips still on it but I have two incisions and they are longer than I thought they would be. That prompted the following text conversation:
Me: Looked at my incisions. Kinda big. Porn career officially out.
Sarah: Yeah right! You just need to find the right market. I'm sure there's a whole "sluts with scars" fetish out there.
Me: hahaha
Sarah: People wanted to see Octomom naked for Christ sake!
Me: You have totally lifted my spirits!
(Didn't I say I had awesome friends?)

It should be noted, I have no intention of starting a porn career, though I bet it makes better money than being a public school teacher so....

I'm sad that I'm sitting in Holland, Michigan, while my college friends are off to Louisville for our annual girls trip. Effing cancer! I almost decided to go with them and recover down there, but then I got a call that I have a doctor's appointment Monday so the trip was officially out. Probably best, sleeping in my own bed when I'm not feeling the greatest makes me happy, and I wouldn't be able to go in the hot tub which would depress me. :)

No news about the tumor so far. I'll share when I do.

French Fries never tasted so good!

Finally got home around 8pm. That was a ridiculously long day! I was sooooo confused when I woke up in recovery. I remember getting wheeled into the operating room and then that's about it.

From what I hear, my lymph nodes look clear so that's good! Once they do some more tests on what they took out they can make sure that they got everything.

Celebrated with McDonald's cheeseburgers and fries.

I'll post more tomorrow after (hopefully) a good night of sleep.

Thanks again for all of the texts, emails, prayers, thoughts and overall awesomeness you guys!

Quick update (yes, I'm still hungry)

Two procedures down and just surgery to go. After one procedure today I ended up with a wire sticking straight out of my boob. It was comical. Sorry I didn't have my phone with me to include a picture of that.

I still have another two hours to wait until surgery. I'm trying not to think about food. (Damn that didn't last).

Thanks for all the kind words today! Means a ton!

No food or drink til when???

I've hit that annoying point where I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything until after surgery. Here is a list of things that I might commit a crime for right now (note: yes, I'm being slightly dramatic):
-A large fountain diet pepsi
-A donut (specifically a yeast donut with chocolate frosting from my local Speedway Gas Station)
-Gum
-French fries
-Son of a Baconator (Note: if you haven't had one of these burgers, get one!)
-Some of the chocolate caramel chex mix I decided to make this morning to send with my girls going to Louisville (Ladies, that was sacrifice haha)
-Anything to drink!


Besides being hungry, here are the other things I've slightly stressed over today:
-What should I wear? I have a lot of comfy clothes to choose from.
-I can't wear deodorant? Pretty sure the annoyance of that is making me sweat more
-What do I do with my hair? Up? Down? Straight?
-What? I can't use any hair products? Have you seen my hair?
-Do I have enough Saran Wrap? (Note: it's close but I think I'll be ok) (Note: no, I was not trying to say that my boobs are so big that I'll need a lot)
-How long until I get to eat??????

Side note:  I have not stressed about school at all. Then again, I might have gone a little overboard with four pages of sub notes and piles sorted by day each labeled with a Post-it. I meant to take a picture and forgot.

Ok off to begin the long day! I've been asked to provide a picture of the saran wrapped breast (you can thank Jess for that one). Not sure I'll put that on the world wide web. Ha!

Happy Lumpectomy (sp?) Day!

So tomorrow is the day. If I had my way, my surgery would have been on January 1 (the day after I found out about the "situation") but alas, it was scheduled for the 17th.

Here is the schedule for my day:

-At 10am I must apply numbing cream to my breast and wrap it in Saran Wrap. Yes, that is literally part of my surgical plan. Note to self: Make sure you have Saran Wrap at home...
-At 10:45 I have to report to the Breast and Bone Center. Here a couple of things will happen. The first is that they will place guide wires around my tumor. This will give the surgeon (have I mentioned how much I love my surgeon?) an exact idea of where to remove stuff. I also will have some kind of injection that will put blue liquid into my body so that they can see how it travels to my lymph nodes. At least I think that's what they are doing. Perhaps I should pay better attention... I might not know what that blue liquid does, but I do remember her telling me not to freak out when my urine is blue and i have blue streaks on my skin. Clearly I remember the important stuff!
-After I am done at the appointment I have to check in to the hospital. They say my surgery will be somewhere around 1:30pm and could be around 2 hours long. I will be having a lumpectomy and having lymph nodes removed. I probably spelled both of those wrong and didn't use the correct medical terms but oh well. They said to bring something do keep me busy. Thank goodness I have two iPads! Perhaps I'll take some action shots for you guys following along at home. (You know you'd love it!)
-Then it is back home to recover. My mom is staying with me Thursday night so that is nice.

I have purposely been storing things up in my DVR for this weekend so don't tell me who the Bachelor chooses or who gets eliminated from Top Chef!

I have worked hard to get everything set at school for the finals I will miss and everything copied for the new classes I start next semester. (I killed a few trees with all of the copies I made). I've tried not to stress out too much about being gone from school. I have to keep reminding myself that my students will be fine and that I am the priority.

Some people have been asking me what I need or how they can help. I have a really hard time answering that because I honestly don't know. I'm a perpetually single girl and I get very used to doing things on my own so it's hard to ask people for help. So if I tell you I don't need anything it's not that I don't appreciate the offer, it's that I honestly am not sure what I need!

But, if you enjoy reality tv and sitting around on the sofa then come on over! That's exactly what I'll be doing for the next couple of days.

Hypochondria is one of my many charming traits

Since I was young, if I heard about an ailment I was pretty convinced I had it. I may not have voiced this out loud, but I could talk my self into and out of having various medical problems quite quickly.

Just some of the examples:
-Somebody once told me (either my mom or grandma) that if your stomach ache was at the bottom of your stomach you would be find. If it was on the top, you were going to throw up.  I spent many nights tracking the pain in my stomach trying to gauge if I was going to vomit. I rarely did and I'm pretty sure my worrying only made the pain worse.
-In middle school we read the book "Hatchet". If I remember correctly, the pilot of the airplane complained about pain in his left arm before he died of a heart attack. Any pain in my left arm freaked me out after that. (It should be noted that I rarely read books that I was assigned. I read this one unfortunately.  Pretty sure it scarred me for life.)
-After Wes died, every shortness of breath or pain or pretty much anything out of the ordinary had me convinced something was wrong.

None of these worries have gotten better now that my "situation" has come around. Last night I went to  bed and my back ached. Couldn't figure out why. This morning not only did my back ache but I also had a headache. What immediately came to mind? The cancer is spreading! It's in my brain and back!
After a mini meltdown, I stopped at the gas station to buy Extra Strength Tylenol (since I only had Ibuprofen at home and I'm not supposed to take that) and by 1st hour the pain was gone.

I can't wait until Thursday is over and the worry/wondering if the cancer has spread will be answered (and hopefully gone). The MRI didn't show anything besides the tumor they know about, but then again, the first biopsy came up negative... (Sidenote: I hate the waiting game. I am not good at it.)

Another sidenote: yes, I realize my quirkiness just came through loud and clear with this post. If only you could hear the other crazy thoughts in my head. If you think I fret about health issues, you should hear how I fret about boys! :) (And yes, I said boys and not men. Let's be honest, they're boys and they are dumb.)

Maturity is not my forte

Today I had to spend 15 minutes talking to  a nurse at Holland Hospital in preparation for my surgery Thursday. Here are some of the highlights:

Nurse: Have you fallen lately?
Me: Fallen?
Nurse: Yes, fallen.
Me: Yes actually. The other day I fell in the cafeteria in front of a lot of high school students.
Nurse: Was this from feeling off balance or dizzy?
Me: No, just from overall clumsiness.
Nurse: Did you hurt anything?
Me: Just my pride...


Nurse: When was the start date of your last period?
Me: (Insert date here. You know you don't really want to know)
Nurse: Oh, so there's no way you're pregnant?
Me: (Insert loud laughter here) No!
*How single did that just make me sound....*


After all her questions, she asked if I had any. I did, "Does the hospital have wireless?"

Yes, I clearly have my priorities straight! The thought of surgery is not scary right now, but the thought of being without wireless for hours is!

Ripping off the bandage

I found that at times, telling people I have cancer was almost worse than having it (note I said almost).  Some people knew that I had been having tests done but not many.  When I got the call on New Years Eve I knew I had to call my mom first.

My parents were set to go on vacation the next day, and part of me wanted to wait for them to come back before I told them. Seeing that my mom was already slightly  (ok very) angry that I didn't even tell her about all of this until after my first biopsy, I figured that wasn't a good idea. They ended up cancelling their trip which lead to some major guilt.  I knew they would want to come to my doctor's appointment later that week, but I still felt bad that my "situation" was causing them to miss a vacation.

Then I had to move on to telling friends. Those that knew about my biopsies were somewhat easy to tell. It made it easier if people had called to ask what my results were.  For others, I had to decide how the heck to start the conversation.  It's funny how when you tell some people you can barely keep it together and when you tell others you end up laughing.  I guess that's just the different dynamics of friendships.  Some people I could tell face to face, and some, it took days of crafting the perfect email and getting the guts up to send it.  I found my best guy friends to be the hardest to tell. It's not like we discuss boobs on a regular basis, let alone mine!

Then I had to decide what to do about telling my students. For now, I'm not. Who knows if that's the right decision or not, but as Sarah says "Jenn, it's your cancer and you get to deal with it how you want."  When I was a senior in high school my Calculus teacher announced to our class that he had cancer and would miss the next couple months. I know how much that shook me up and I just didn't feel like I needed to do that to my students. As it stands now, I'm not planning on missing a chunk of school. If this changes, I'll deal with it then. But for now, we'll keep them clueless. Then again in Fennville, nothing stays secret for long.

There is no way, unless I post it on Facebook, of telling everyone that probably should know.  I'm sure there will be some people angry that I never told them. But guess what, I'm angry I have cancer so they can suck it! :)

Becoming an artist

I have not taken a single art class since 8th grade. I was one of those dorks that took math instead of art in high school. In college I had to drop the only art class I took after developing all of my film wrong the night before my midterm project was due.

However, I am now a pro at drawing breasts. Ok pervs, not like that. I can draw the basic outline of one,  I can diagram my tumor including it's wonky edges, the duct it is growing in, and the micro invasion that formed as well as the areola and where I have to put numbing cream before my surgery.  For extra credit, I can also draw the lymph nodes in my arm pit. Perhaps I should look into taking art classes in the future?

Google is not always your friend

Things I never thought I would find in my google search history:
   -Is radiation like sunburn?
   -How bad does a lumpectomy hurt?
   -Breast Cancer gene test
   -Side effects of radiation
   -BRCA 1 &2
   -Stereotactic Biopsy
   -Valium side effects (Note: this is because they gave me valium before my MRI, not because I take it)
   -Vacuum assisted biopsy
   -Stages of breast cancer


Google is great because when you have zero prior knowledge about all things breast cancer it provides some great links to information. However, the is a lot of scary shit out there! Avoid typing things such as: What other cancers can breast cancer patients suffer from? The words "brain cancer" will pop up and that's something you DO NOT need to read. (Advice from someone that read it.)

I've found that the informational packet my doctor gave me to be the best thing for me to read. Way less scary than the world wide web!!!

I miss the days of worrying about my jeans and not my genes

Two days after my diagnosis I had to go in for genetic testing. I wasn't quite sure how this was done, I just was told that I couldn't eat for two hours before the text. This confused me slightly because I guess I just assumed genetic testing involved getting blood drawn. To my surprise (and my relief) this genetic testing was done using mouthwash.  I had to swish two rounds of mouthwash for 30 seconds each. Isn't kind of amazing that from just that you can tell genetic mutations? Modern medicine blows my mind sometimes!

Last week the genetic test came back negative for BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 mutations.  This means that I don't have the gene for breast cancer. Good news for me and my family! I know there is one more genetic test out there (can't remember what it's called) but I won't know the results of that for another couple of weeks.

My doctor had told me that if the results came back negative, I was headed for 6 weeks of radiation after my lumpectomy.  If it came back positive, we would start talking mastectomy.  So for now, it seems radiation is in my future.

Is it odd that I can't decide if I was team radiation or team mastectomy? Obviously I'm happy that the genetic tests came back negative, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have times that I think that having a mastectomy sounds less scary than radiation.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

I have amazing friends. It's not that I'm just now figuring this out, I am just even more reminded of that since I found out about my "situation". I have gotten calls, letters, texts, emails, iTunes gift cards and even the world's largest whoopee cushion in the last two weeks.  I have friends bringing me food after my surgery and friends grading my finals because I'll be out of school.

I get stressed sometimes that I don't do a good job of expressing my thanks to these great people.  Their words are so perfect (and usually make me cry) and I feel like my thank you never sounds as perfect. Just know, I remember all the kind words, read the messages daily, and never take any of it for granted.

I hope you never have to go through this crap yourself.  But if you do, I hope you have friends as awesome as mine to help you through the journey.

Just to clarify, my "situation" is my breast cancer. Sarah says I used the word situation a lot when talking about it. That's usually because I'm talking about it at school and I haven't filled my students or some of my coworkers in on what's going on. I have also called it my "condition" but I'm not as big of a fan of that descriptor. 

Do you drink a lot of caffeine? That's probably what's causing this.

So in the middle of November I found a lump. I don't really remember the first time I found it, nor do I really remember what I was doing when I found it. I know for sure I wasn't doing a breast exam like they recommend you do. I was probably putting on a shirt or something. The lump was on the top of my breast and pretty easy to feel.  Being the avoider I am, I ignored it. However, being the slightly OCD person I am, I was always very aware of it.  I decided I should probably get it checked out, but I really had no idea how to start the process. I didn't even have a primary care doctor (yeah I'm a pretty responsible 34 year old).  After consulting with a friend I made a doctors appointment to get it checked out.

December 5th started the journey. The first doctor I went to (my gynecologist) confirmed that there was a lump and said I should go get a mammogram and ultrasound to get it checked out. After asking about my age (not the typical age for cancer) and family history (no cancer in our history) she asked "do you drink much caffeine?" If you know me and my love of a fountain drink you know this is a yes.  She then explained that caffeine can make cysts more prevalent. I left that appointment feeling pretty good.

The next week I was off for my next set of tests.  Can I just take a moment to confirm that mammograms hurt like a bitch! In fact at one point I said to the technician "how do little old ladies take this pain?" I mean, I like to think I'm pretty tough, but that crap hurt! After what seemed like 100 compressions of my breast, I was off to the next room for an ultrasound. (Should be noted that in between rooms I ran into a student's mom. As if that isn't awkward!) The ultra sound was much less painless. However, an ultrasound of a breast is far less exciting than an ultrasound of an unborn baby. Not that I know from experience. After these tests another doctor came in and said "we don't like what we see so we are going to send your for a biopsy." I left that appointment feeling not so good.

The next week I was off to my ultrasound. At this point, I think I had been to more doctors appointments in the month of december than I had the entire year.  Anyways, the biopsy wasn't too bad. My doctor (whose first name is Liberty Bell) was AWESOME and explained everything. If anyone in the Holland, Michigan, area needs a surgeon go to her! A week later she called to say that the biopsy had come back benign but that they weren't totally comfortable giving me the all clear.  They knew there were some calcium deposits around the lump that did not show up in the biopsy. Another biopsy it is! At this point I'm feeling a little better.

The day after Christmas came biopsy #2.  This one was like a mammogram and biopsy in one. A fun way to spend your Wednesday afternoon is with your breast through a hole in a table, while paddles squeeze it until is is held in place and then they stick a needle in it. Oh and you can't move.  Oh and let's throw in the fact that I had the flu and a temperature over 101.  Awesome.

On New Year's Eve I got the call about my second biopsy. Here is what I remember....blah blah blah cancer....blah blah blah stage zero....blah blah blah invasive....blah blah blah cancer. Yeah once you hear those words you tend to tune everything else out.  

That is the abbreviated version of my month of December. Pretty awesome right? At least it left me with an easy resolution for 2013: Kick Cancer's Ass!

The Situation (I wish I was referring to Jersey Shore)

After taking two weeks to come up with a creative title for this blog (because seriously, nobody wants a lame blog address) I am finally venturing into the blogging world to share my journey (also referred to as my "situation") fighting breast cancer.

Seriously though, cancer? In the immortal words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

*If I was a more experienced blogger, here is where you would find a hilarious clip of Sweet Brown. I'll work on that...*

I have found in the two weeks since my diagnosis that my friends and family want to be supportive and have lots of questions (which I'm usually bad at answering) so I figured this would be an easy way for people to get those answers. Hopefully I'll actually remember the things the doctor tells me (I get slightly overwhelmed at times).

For the record, I do not mind talking about my "situation". I hardly even cry when talking about it anymore! (Which is good because that can make for an awkward interaction). So please, feel free to call me, text me, email me any time that you want some information especially if I haven't shared any in a while. I don't mind at all.

Ok the creativity it took to write this post has me spent (I'm a math teacher, creativity is not my forte). More to come soon!