12:30am Thoughts

Now I have to say, I've tried to keep this blog pretty upbeat. I mean who wants to read a sappy/whiney  cancer blog, right? And to my credit (patting myself on the back) I feel like overall I've kept pretty upbeat. I've even felt really good more days than not. However, this night, at 12:30am I'm going to have a little pity party/bitch fest. In my inability to sleep I have put together the following list:

10 Things I'm over. And by over, I mean O.V.E.R.:

1. Not sleeping. 
• I have become a terrible sleeper. 2am is a time I see WAY too often. I will say that normally I'm asleep right now, but someone (who shall remain nameless) drunk FaceTimed me and the hilarity of that cancelled out my sleepiness. (And don't get too excited folks, it unfortunately wasn't a boy.)
2. Not having an appetite a lot of the time.
• I want to not have to think about what sounds good (or if anything sounds good). I am a girl that likes food and some of my favorites don't appeal to me at all anymore. I want to eat at regular meal times. I don't want it to take me 8 hours to finish a Big Apple muffin (like it did last Sunday)
• And for goodness sake, if you are going to take my appetite, cancer, can't you take like 10 pounds off my hips too!?!?
• On a side note, one of my students asked a fellow teacher "I know that Miss Lanphear really likes French Fries. Can she still eat those with cancer??" Bless her for looking out for me. Also, is that all she learned from my Algebra class?
3. Not having hair.
• I want my curls back. I want my go to ponytail back. I want the annoyance frizzy hair. I want my signature braids. I want to wear all of the Anthropologie headbands that I spent WAY too much money on. I want hair in the drain of my shower. 
• That being said, I'm still not sad about not getting a wig. I will say however, hats get really hot and there are so many times I just want to take the stupid thing off in the middle of class.
4. Soooo many appointments
• It's good that I like my doctors so much, because I have to see their faces very often.
5. Soooo many days off of school.
• I hate making sub plans. It is a pain in the butt. I feel like a bad teacher when I'm not there. I take it personally when kids fail my quiz after I have been gone for a treatment.  (Though ok. sometimes they fail if I'm there everyday too. But still!)
6. Having people worry about me
• I'm very good at worrying about others, not so good about having people worry about me.
• Don't get me wrong, the support has been awesome, but it's hard to know people worry.
7. Not really having a spring break because it's a chemo week
• It's great that it's my last chemo next week. It's convenient that it's during a week that I already have off so I don't have to take extra time off (see #5) but it sure would be nice if I could just have a week off. A week to catch up with friends and travel and sleep and eat and veg. Instead I'm really down to about 4 days of "feeling good" over break.
8. My students' poor attitudes
• Ok this really doesn't go along with the whole cancer thing, but seriously. Attention seniors, senioritis is not a real thing and even if it was, it doesn't start in February! And freshies, you have no excuse! I think we all need a week off from each other kids!
9. Nausea
• While this has definitely not affected me as badly as a lot of people, it's still been quite the annoyance. Smells, sights, sounds and even the mention of things make me nauseous. I have a greater appreciation for anyone with morning sickness. This sucks. I haven't actually thrown up at all, but sometimes I think the nausea is worse!
10. Cancer in general
• Newsflash big C, I'm over you. I'm tired of talking about you, thinking about you, and worrying about you. We are breaking up. Hopefully for good! It's not me, it's YOU!

Ok that's enough of that. I feel better. Thanks for letting me bitch friends!

Side note: In case you wondered, the list of things I'm thankful for is much longer than this list. :)

3rd time's not the charm

Sorry for being such a poor blogger. Frankly I'm impressed as heck that I've even kept this going as long as I have! From the page views I seem to have some followers, so for you, I will keep on blogging!

So round 3 was last week. Gotta say, this one was a little rougher than the last. Chemo day started with a visit to my surgeon for a routine checkup. I mentioned that I had a bump on my back that hurt and she informed me that I had a sebaceous cyst (sp?) that was infected. Awesome...  Normally this would an easy little procedure, but since it was chemo day, I had to get my treatment before she would lance the cyst. (Is that the correct usage of the word lance? hmmm...) So off to chemo I went with an appointment to go back to the surgeon after.

 My awesome friend Jessica (you can find her and her adorable family here) was my chemo buddy. Like most people who have gone with me (ok all the people who have gone with me) she didn't really know what to expect. Little did she know that with the added cyst appearance she was in for even more of a treat! The treatment went fine, it let us have tons of time to gossip, and then off we went back to the surgeon.

Getting rid of a cyst is much like popping a big pimple with slightly less excitement. (Oh you know you love that feeling of popping a big pimple!) This one was on the back of my shoulder so I didn't get to see much. However, the surgeon did show me the "shell" of the cyst (didn't know they had those) and Jess said that there was more fun stuff that came out. Now I thought this would be a simple "slice it open and stitch it up". Little did I know I would be in for daily "packings" of the hole even now (7 days later). Oh yeah, silly me, I forgot I have no immune system to heal this thing...  Big thanks to Nurse Lindsey for helping me out with this on more than one occasion!

I didn't have an awesome weekend in terns of feeling good but I think that was for many reasons. My body is fighting the mighty cyst. I know I didn't drink enough fluids. I slept terribly. I ate terribly. All in all I was a terrible cancer patient. I will make this better during my next and final round!!!

Receding hair lines aren't just for men anymore!

Well, the buzzed hair got a little shorter this weekend.  We had left it a little long, but it was driving me more nuts than my long hair that was falling out. I wear a hat everyday and the hair was falling out inside of that and causing my head to itch horribly.  After complaining about it all week, I agreed to let my friend's husband buzz it even shorter. My giggling through this awkward situation made his think I was crying. haha

It's not totally gone, but I wouldn't let him get out the shaving cream and razor so there is still some stubble but even that is falling out. My hair line has receded pretty far and there are some bald patches.

I have let VERY few people see my "bald" head. If you have asked, don't feel bad if I've said no. The bald Jenn doesn't quite have the self-esteem to flaunt it yet. Maybe once the stubble is gone.

Buzzed hair? Don't care!

Update: the hair is buzzed! It's not cute due to some bald patches and some....uneven patches, but nonetheless it's buzzed. It feels so much better to not have to worry about how much it falling out. It was seriously driving me nuts. And let me tell you, there was a significantly less "get ready" time this morning!

I rocked my grey hat (which I actually think is cute) to school. No comments good or bad from the kids.  Staff were awesome. Lot's of supportive comments.

I'm already getting excited about what it will look like with a cute short haircut.

Thanks, as always, for everything you have said and done my friends!

Round 2!

I think that round 2 of chemo actually went better than round 1 (thank goodness!).  Mom worked this time so joining me was the tag team of the hilarious Maria and Sarah.  Seriously, if you have to go to chemo, take people who will make you laugh. It makes the time go by soooo much faster!

I started watching Giuliana and Bill on E! while I was getting my treatment. It happened to be the episode where Giuliana was going through her breast cancer issues.  (Ironic right???) Anyways, I found myself getting angry with her that she didn't have to go through chemo, she only had radiation. The feeling of "oh, the pretty girl doesn't have to lose her hair" cursed through me. I feel like that was of the few times my feelings went from sad to angry over this. Sorry Giuliana for taking it out on you.

Anyways, after chemo I felt really good. Even Thursday I felt great and kinda thought I should have gone back and taught. By the end of Thursday I had a sore throat so it made the decision to not teach Friday a little easier. I think my allergies are causing the congestion and little sore throats I'm gettings. Things are starting to thaw out around here and typically the wetter it is outside, the worse my allergies are.

The hair is still coming out in clumps, and I have a cute little bald patch on the right side of my head. I think today is the day to shave it. It's driving me nuts how there is hair everywhere, and I would like to have it done before school on Monday. I figure, it's easier to show up on a Monday with no hair than on a Wednesday. haha

Strength

I get told time and time again how "strong" I have been through "the situation". I guess that never really crossed my mind. I'm just dealing with it the only way I know how. Even the nurses have commented on just how low my blood pressure was before all of my surgeries and treatments.

If I start to feel "weak" and trust me, there have been some meltdowns (have I mentioned how much I love a good cry in the shower) I just have to tell myself that wallowing is not going to do me any good. I can't change the situation I'm in, so I just have to deal with it best I can.

Choosing to work throughout this has helped. I can focus my energies on what I need to get done, and forget about the scary stuff. I think the students (especially my first hour) expect me to have lost some energy by now, but hasn't happened. One of them asked me if I feel sick and they were surprised to hear that I didn't really.  A lot of them have never watched someone go through cancer treatments so the only thing they know is what they've seen on movies/tv. We have had to chat about how what happened in "My Sister's Keeper" is NOT the same as I'm going through.

Here is the other thing. I refuse to be sad and mopey, when I have friends who have gone through bigger things in the last couple years and still manage to get through the days. If Ryan can teach every day in the gym where he watched his player pass away, and if Jocelyn can still work in the district where her son died and she and her husband can walk into the gym to watch Mitchell play after all that has happened, then I sure as hell don't get to sit around and feel sorry for myself.

I guess the moral of the story is, I don't feel strong. I just feel like I'm dealing with it the best I can. But, I do appreciate the compliments and it lets me know what I'm doing is going well.

Hair today, but not for much longer!

So on day 14 (Tuesday) my hair officially started to fall out...in clumps! That morning I took my ponytail holder out and was amazed at how much hair came out too.  As I ran my fingers through my hair I got even more clumps. It was crazy! It didn't hurt. I could tell that the hair was barely hanging on by anything. Even on day three of hairgate I still have enough for a little ponytail, but it is definitely not as thick as it used to be.  I think if I didn't have such thick hair from the start you'd probably see bald patches and perhaps it'd be totally gone. I'm going to give it to the weekend and then shave it off. I have a couple of cute hats now and am waiting on a couple from etsy. If anyone has any hat/scarf suggestions send them my way!

I have to admit that I'm pretty proud of the lack of tears I've shed over the hair loss. It was a tough drive to school Tuesday, but then I had some friends bring me some EXTREMELY thoughtful gifts as if they just knew that was the day I needed them.

Just a tip, waterproof mascara is a must during a time like this. Most times I don't cry because I'm sad. I cry everytime someone does something nice for me because I'm thoroughly touched by the generosity of people  Like I've said before, I hope none of my friends have to go through this, but I WILL find a way to pay the kindness forward!

5 days of school in a row?!?!?!

Managed to work a full week for the first time in two months! It was so nice to have no snow days, no appointments and to feel good enough to be at work the entire week. There were a lot of topics to get covered in my classes (especially Algebra) so I was glad I was there to teach it. I think I've set my classes up pretty well to be gone this week.

Chemo #2 is Wednesday. Here's hoping it goes as well as it did last time! I might even try to go back to work Friday.

More and more students and community members are finding out about "the situation" and they have been very sweet. I get texts from students that have graduated almost every day. At the basketball game Thursday night I received many well wishes from people who I can't figure out how they even know. It's really nice to know people are thinking of you and supporting you.