Remember when Felicity cut her hair?

I know I'm not the only Felicity fan out there. Remember at the beginning of season 2, how she cut her hair and the fans thought she was crazy? Well so did I!

Ok where am I going with this? Well, it's a great segue into my latest hair update. I know, I know, I've made so many promises these last 6 months about how often I'd post pics, but once a month (ish) is still pretty good!

I like to refer to my latest phase of hair as the "Felicity".

The picture doesn't do the curls justice. Plus, I am amazingly bad at taking a pic of the back of my head, but trust me, it's crazy curly!

Here it is with a side by side with Keri Russell. Try not to focus on how gorgeous she is, but on her curly locks. (Hard I know...)

Side note: not only am I impressed that I correctly put two photos in a blog post, but I actually combined two for a side-by-side shot!

People are shocked at how curly it is. Evidently nobody seems to remember that I actually had curly hair, I just spent hours straightening it.  It is, however, much softer, curlier and not as frizzy as it used to be. Ask me one day and I'll tell you I love it. Talk to me the next and I hate it. As of right now I'm going to keep it short for a while because that seems to be the consensus vote. (Thanks for the compliments by the way!) I am back to rocking my expensive Anthropoligie headbands every day which makes me happy.

At this point, most people who haven't seen me in a while don't have a clue that I went through chemo. Most just tell me they like my hair. I've seemed to move into the "she just has a short haircut" phase rather than "oh her hair is growing back in nicely".

There are still some awkward encounters, like when a former student yelled at me during a football game "Why did you cut off all your hair!?!?!?!" Umm......

So there it is, your monthly (semi-monthly?) hair post. And it didn't even take a reminder from Allie to get it! Jenn, for the win!

Things my hair has never been called: Trendy

I just read my post where I said I would post pictures on a weekly basis of my hair growth. I also laughed when I read it. Oh silly Jenn, you should have known better! Luckily, however, I have taken some pictures along the way.

This one is from the end of May. I was babysitting the adorable Ondersma kids and decided that I would try on a baby barrette. I had barely enough hair to keep it in but I figured it was worth a picture.

Fast forward to the end of June and I was here.

Here is today's pic.

 I don't feel like it gives a very good representation of how long it looks in person. Also, I can't even tell you how many times it took me to get one that I like. Side note: How do teenagers take "selfies" so well? Perhaps I needed to put my tongue out like the cool kids do?

So far it looks lighter (maybe a little greyer), seems just as thick, and it's starting to get curly. I have to hairspray it down so that it doesn't curl up. People seem to like the shorter hair. Someone called me trendy. Never have I had a trendy haircut! People seem to think I have a face for short hair. Did people think my other hair was awful all these years??? haha

So there is the hair update for you! I will do my best to post regular pics! (Yup, I'm laughing at that statement...)

Fuzzy Wuzzy

So people kept asking me if my hair was growing and I usually said I couldn't really tell. I mean, it kinda looked like it, but there still wasn't much. Until this week....

People kept telling me about the duck fuzz hair. That it would come in super fine and super soft. I figured this wouldn't happen with me since my hair is so thick and course. But, I now have the fuzz. And the funny thing is, all of the new hair on my body is that fuzz.  Ok, this is probably tmi but I didn't think my armpit hair was growing yet (not that i was disappointed) because usually it's pretty coarse and I didn't feel any. However, I looked tonight and I have some, and it's the usual black, but it's super fine. So weird!

My friend told me I should take a picture each week to chronicle my hair growth. I wish that you could see the duck fuzz in this one, but here is this weeks!

And this is why I don't blog...

Sorry for the long break from blogging. No good reason for it, just have kinda forgotten about it. Yeah I knew this would happen eventually. Maybe it's a good thing that I haven't really had much to share?

So here is the rundown of the last three weeks....

I mentioned in my last post that I was going to meet with a genetic counselor about a test they want to run before I start chemo. It was to test for a P-53 (I think I'm remembering that right) mutation. This might have been the most stressful appt. I've had this whole time. Basically I have a 2% chance of having this. But, if I do have it, radiation can cause other types of cancer. However, if I had the test, it would take 6-8 weeks to get the results back which puts radiation off that long. Oh and the test might not be covered by my insurance. That was a lot to take in! I felt like they needed an answer right that minute and it stressed me out that I couldn't really get an answer as to whether it was ok to put off radiation. So I cried, and once that starts, it doesn't stop. Then the counselor wanted to talk about "where those tears are coming from." Oh I don't know, maybe because three people are staring at me in a small room and I have cancer and I'm mad that I'm even in that position!  In the end, I got the test. I'd hate to think I did radiation and caused myself harm.

So after that appt. the waiting game was back on. I was happy to have a break from appts. and procedures and such, but now radiation is getting pushed further into the summer.

During the waiting period I also had my port removed. That was exciting seeing that it meant that I really wasn't having any more chemo (hopefully never ever again). I find it funny that I had to go into the hospital and put under anesthesia to have it put in, but I could have it taken out in my surgeon's office.

Fast forward two weeks, I got a call at the end of last week that my test results had all come back negative. Evidently the letter from my radiologist had actually sped up the process. So now I'm just waiting for my doctors to call me to start radiation.

On the hair topic, I think it's finally starting to grow.  I seem to see some brown specks! Grow hair grow! I was researching online what I might be able to make it grow faster. Most posts said to eat healthy. Um, can you be a little more specific with that? Some said take prenatal vitamins, others said go for Rogaine. :) I might go the vitamin route. Anyone have any ideas?

Hopefully soon I'll have some good radiation stories for you!

Ready....Set....WAIT!

So with the end of chemo comes the start of radiation, or so I thought.

I met with the radiation doctor (radiologist?) over spring break and set up the appointment for me to be "simulated". In this appointment, they basically do a whole scan and plan where the (insert Doctor Evil voice here) lasers  will be pointed at me. After they get their data, it would take about a week and then I could start radiation. I was glad to have a starting date and to start the process. We scheduled radiation to be at 3:45 every day so that I wouldn't miss any school. I went to school this week and told my principal the plan, told the athletic director I couldn't work track meets, and told the assistant principal that I couldn't do any more detentions.

Then on Tuesday of this week, my surgeon called and said she had come across a new genetic test she would like me to do. Evidently this genetic mutation (wouldn't it be helpful if I could remember the name) is very rare and she doesn't think I'll test positive for it. However, with this mutation, having radiation will actually increase the likelihood of other cancers. Um....yeah let's have this test done! I guess it's a test they run on people under 35 so I'm just in!

So radiation is now on hold and I had to go back to all the above people and change what I had just told them. Slightly frustrating, though I'm excited to have a little time off to get a little energy going into radiation. They said that radiation will make me tired, but not as tired as chemo did.

With this break, I think I'm going to try and start working out again. I haven't been to the gym since right before my diagnosis and I'm ready to go back. Hopefully if I get a little endurance before radiation starts I'll be able to keep it up during it.

On another note, I'm trying to figure out if my hair is starting to grow back. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but if I could tell there was a little change that would make me EXTREMELY excited!

12:30am Thoughts

Now I have to say, I've tried to keep this blog pretty upbeat. I mean who wants to read a sappy/whiney  cancer blog, right? And to my credit (patting myself on the back) I feel like overall I've kept pretty upbeat. I've even felt really good more days than not. However, this night, at 12:30am I'm going to have a little pity party/bitch fest. In my inability to sleep I have put together the following list:

10 Things I'm over. And by over, I mean O.V.E.R.:

1. Not sleeping. 
• I have become a terrible sleeper. 2am is a time I see WAY too often. I will say that normally I'm asleep right now, but someone (who shall remain nameless) drunk FaceTimed me and the hilarity of that cancelled out my sleepiness. (And don't get too excited folks, it unfortunately wasn't a boy.)
2. Not having an appetite a lot of the time.
• I want to not have to think about what sounds good (or if anything sounds good). I am a girl that likes food and some of my favorites don't appeal to me at all anymore. I want to eat at regular meal times. I don't want it to take me 8 hours to finish a Big Apple muffin (like it did last Sunday)
• And for goodness sake, if you are going to take my appetite, cancer, can't you take like 10 pounds off my hips too!?!?
• On a side note, one of my students asked a fellow teacher "I know that Miss Lanphear really likes French Fries. Can she still eat those with cancer??" Bless her for looking out for me. Also, is that all she learned from my Algebra class?
3. Not having hair.
• I want my curls back. I want my go to ponytail back. I want the annoyance frizzy hair. I want my signature braids. I want to wear all of the Anthropologie headbands that I spent WAY too much money on. I want hair in the drain of my shower. 
• That being said, I'm still not sad about not getting a wig. I will say however, hats get really hot and there are so many times I just want to take the stupid thing off in the middle of class.
4. Soooo many appointments
• It's good that I like my doctors so much, because I have to see their faces very often.
5. Soooo many days off of school.
• I hate making sub plans. It is a pain in the butt. I feel like a bad teacher when I'm not there. I take it personally when kids fail my quiz after I have been gone for a treatment.  (Though ok. sometimes they fail if I'm there everyday too. But still!)
6. Having people worry about me
• I'm very good at worrying about others, not so good about having people worry about me.
• Don't get me wrong, the support has been awesome, but it's hard to know people worry.
7. Not really having a spring break because it's a chemo week
• It's great that it's my last chemo next week. It's convenient that it's during a week that I already have off so I don't have to take extra time off (see #5) but it sure would be nice if I could just have a week off. A week to catch up with friends and travel and sleep and eat and veg. Instead I'm really down to about 4 days of "feeling good" over break.
8. My students' poor attitudes
• Ok this really doesn't go along with the whole cancer thing, but seriously. Attention seniors, senioritis is not a real thing and even if it was, it doesn't start in February! And freshies, you have no excuse! I think we all need a week off from each other kids!
9. Nausea
• While this has definitely not affected me as badly as a lot of people, it's still been quite the annoyance. Smells, sights, sounds and even the mention of things make me nauseous. I have a greater appreciation for anyone with morning sickness. This sucks. I haven't actually thrown up at all, but sometimes I think the nausea is worse!
10. Cancer in general
• Newsflash big C, I'm over you. I'm tired of talking about you, thinking about you, and worrying about you. We are breaking up. Hopefully for good! It's not me, it's YOU!

Ok that's enough of that. I feel better. Thanks for letting me bitch friends!

Side note: In case you wondered, the list of things I'm thankful for is much longer than this list. :)

Receding hair lines aren't just for men anymore!

Well, the buzzed hair got a little shorter this weekend.  We had left it a little long, but it was driving me more nuts than my long hair that was falling out. I wear a hat everyday and the hair was falling out inside of that and causing my head to itch horribly.  After complaining about it all week, I agreed to let my friend's husband buzz it even shorter. My giggling through this awkward situation made his think I was crying. haha

It's not totally gone, but I wouldn't let him get out the shaving cream and razor so there is still some stubble but even that is falling out. My hair line has receded pretty far and there are some bald patches.

I have let VERY few people see my "bald" head. If you have asked, don't feel bad if I've said no. The bald Jenn doesn't quite have the self-esteem to flaunt it yet. Maybe once the stubble is gone.

Buzzed hair? Don't care!

Update: the hair is buzzed! It's not cute due to some bald patches and some....uneven patches, but nonetheless it's buzzed. It feels so much better to not have to worry about how much it falling out. It was seriously driving me nuts. And let me tell you, there was a significantly less "get ready" time this morning!

I rocked my grey hat (which I actually think is cute) to school. No comments good or bad from the kids.  Staff were awesome. Lot's of supportive comments.

I'm already getting excited about what it will look like with a cute short haircut.

Thanks, as always, for everything you have said and done my friends!

Round 2!

I think that round 2 of chemo actually went better than round 1 (thank goodness!).  Mom worked this time so joining me was the tag team of the hilarious Maria and Sarah.  Seriously, if you have to go to chemo, take people who will make you laugh. It makes the time go by soooo much faster!

I started watching Giuliana and Bill on E! while I was getting my treatment. It happened to be the episode where Giuliana was going through her breast cancer issues.  (Ironic right???) Anyways, I found myself getting angry with her that she didn't have to go through chemo, she only had radiation. The feeling of "oh, the pretty girl doesn't have to lose her hair" cursed through me. I feel like that was of the few times my feelings went from sad to angry over this. Sorry Giuliana for taking it out on you.

Anyways, after chemo I felt really good. Even Thursday I felt great and kinda thought I should have gone back and taught. By the end of Thursday I had a sore throat so it made the decision to not teach Friday a little easier. I think my allergies are causing the congestion and little sore throats I'm gettings. Things are starting to thaw out around here and typically the wetter it is outside, the worse my allergies are.

The hair is still coming out in clumps, and I have a cute little bald patch on the right side of my head. I think today is the day to shave it. It's driving me nuts how there is hair everywhere, and I would like to have it done before school on Monday. I figure, it's easier to show up on a Monday with no hair than on a Wednesday. haha

Hair today, but not for much longer!

So on day 14 (Tuesday) my hair officially started to fall out...in clumps! That morning I took my ponytail holder out and was amazed at how much hair came out too.  As I ran my fingers through my hair I got even more clumps. It was crazy! It didn't hurt. I could tell that the hair was barely hanging on by anything. Even on day three of hairgate I still have enough for a little ponytail, but it is definitely not as thick as it used to be.  I think if I didn't have such thick hair from the start you'd probably see bald patches and perhaps it'd be totally gone. I'm going to give it to the weekend and then shave it off. I have a couple of cute hats now and am waiting on a couple from etsy. If anyone has any hat/scarf suggestions send them my way!

I have to admit that I'm pretty proud of the lack of tears I've shed over the hair loss. It was a tough drive to school Tuesday, but then I had some friends bring me some EXTREMELY thoughtful gifts as if they just knew that was the day I needed them.

Just a tip, waterproof mascara is a must during a time like this. Most times I don't cry because I'm sad. I cry everytime someone does something nice for me because I'm thoroughly touched by the generosity of people  Like I've said before, I hope none of my friends have to go through this, but I WILL find a way to pay the kindness forward!

Hair today, gone ????

It is a well known fact that I have been fearing losing my hair. My pity party of a week ago was pretty much over that.

As a kid, I had awesome hair. I was bald until I was 2, and then I had Shirley Temple curls. In elementary school I remember priding myself on how long my hair was. And then, junior high came along....

Something happened in 6th grade. My hair went from wavy to kinky, curly, and crazy! It was terrible. There was nothing I could do with it. It was huge! They tried perming it, cutting it, anything to get it to calm down. Not until high school did it get slightly better. Even through high school and college and I disliked my hair. I could never just leave it down because it would get so frizzy. It was constantly in a ponytail. I wore my hair down exactly one time in high school (Ironically that was also the only day I wore a skirt to school. And for the record, I went home at lunch and put my hair up and changed my clothes).

When I started teaching, it was still usually in a ponytail. If I wanted to straighten it, I would have to plan to set my alarm extra early to get it done before I had to leave.  This year things have started to change. I don't know if it's because I've grown it out, or it's changed texture or after 34 years I've actually learned what to do with it, but I'm loving my hair. I leave it curly more often than not these days. And now I face losing it. The irony.

Yesterday Sarah and I went to look at wigs. Can we take a moment to discuss how creepy mannequin heads are? Why must they be creepy??? Can't normal faces be painted on them??? Anyways, after sitting for a long time amongst the creepy ladies, I came to the realization that I don't want a wig.

What if I spend a bunch on money on one and hate it? Will I really be willing to do the upkeep for a wig? I teach high school kids. They aren't going to get fooled by a wig. And I already stress about how my hair looks on a daily basis, I can't imagine stressing over how a wig looks. Plus, if I go out on the weekends and run into a student without it on, well that could just be awkward. So I'm going for it. Going bald. I mean, it works for my friend Ryan, so why not me?

Now, I am not saying I am shaving my head......yet.  I'm going to let this happen naturally. I'm going to see if I can get a haircut this week to take some length off so that when I do lose it I'm not losing as much. I bought some cute little hats to wear and I have a pretty good scarf collection so I'll see what I can do with those.

I'm not going to say I'll stay this calm through the whole hair process. In fact as I type this I'm fearing going to take a shower and having it all fall out, but I'm more ready for it to happen than I was before.  I've been told that when it comes in it's usually really curly. Now I'm hoping for a little fro in a couple months!