12:30am Thoughts

Now I have to say, I've tried to keep this blog pretty upbeat. I mean who wants to read a sappy/whiney  cancer blog, right? And to my credit (patting myself on the back) I feel like overall I've kept pretty upbeat. I've even felt really good more days than not. However, this night, at 12:30am I'm going to have a little pity party/bitch fest. In my inability to sleep I have put together the following list:

10 Things I'm over. And by over, I mean O.V.E.R.:

1. Not sleeping. 
• I have become a terrible sleeper. 2am is a time I see WAY too often. I will say that normally I'm asleep right now, but someone (who shall remain nameless) drunk FaceTimed me and the hilarity of that cancelled out my sleepiness. (And don't get too excited folks, it unfortunately wasn't a boy.)
2. Not having an appetite a lot of the time.
• I want to not have to think about what sounds good (or if anything sounds good). I am a girl that likes food and some of my favorites don't appeal to me at all anymore. I want to eat at regular meal times. I don't want it to take me 8 hours to finish a Big Apple muffin (like it did last Sunday)
• And for goodness sake, if you are going to take my appetite, cancer, can't you take like 10 pounds off my hips too!?!?
• On a side note, one of my students asked a fellow teacher "I know that Miss Lanphear really likes French Fries. Can she still eat those with cancer??" Bless her for looking out for me. Also, is that all she learned from my Algebra class?
3. Not having hair.
• I want my curls back. I want my go to ponytail back. I want the annoyance frizzy hair. I want my signature braids. I want to wear all of the Anthropologie headbands that I spent WAY too much money on. I want hair in the drain of my shower. 
• That being said, I'm still not sad about not getting a wig. I will say however, hats get really hot and there are so many times I just want to take the stupid thing off in the middle of class.
4. Soooo many appointments
• It's good that I like my doctors so much, because I have to see their faces very often.
5. Soooo many days off of school.
• I hate making sub plans. It is a pain in the butt. I feel like a bad teacher when I'm not there. I take it personally when kids fail my quiz after I have been gone for a treatment.  (Though ok. sometimes they fail if I'm there everyday too. But still!)
6. Having people worry about me
• I'm very good at worrying about others, not so good about having people worry about me.
• Don't get me wrong, the support has been awesome, but it's hard to know people worry.
7. Not really having a spring break because it's a chemo week
• It's great that it's my last chemo next week. It's convenient that it's during a week that I already have off so I don't have to take extra time off (see #5) but it sure would be nice if I could just have a week off. A week to catch up with friends and travel and sleep and eat and veg. Instead I'm really down to about 4 days of "feeling good" over break.
8. My students' poor attitudes
• Ok this really doesn't go along with the whole cancer thing, but seriously. Attention seniors, senioritis is not a real thing and even if it was, it doesn't start in February! And freshies, you have no excuse! I think we all need a week off from each other kids!
9. Nausea
• While this has definitely not affected me as badly as a lot of people, it's still been quite the annoyance. Smells, sights, sounds and even the mention of things make me nauseous. I have a greater appreciation for anyone with morning sickness. This sucks. I haven't actually thrown up at all, but sometimes I think the nausea is worse!
10. Cancer in general
• Newsflash big C, I'm over you. I'm tired of talking about you, thinking about you, and worrying about you. We are breaking up. Hopefully for good! It's not me, it's YOU!

Ok that's enough of that. I feel better. Thanks for letting me bitch friends!

Side note: In case you wondered, the list of things I'm thankful for is much longer than this list. :)