Strength

I get told time and time again how "strong" I have been through "the situation". I guess that never really crossed my mind. I'm just dealing with it the only way I know how. Even the nurses have commented on just how low my blood pressure was before all of my surgeries and treatments.

If I start to feel "weak" and trust me, there have been some meltdowns (have I mentioned how much I love a good cry in the shower) I just have to tell myself that wallowing is not going to do me any good. I can't change the situation I'm in, so I just have to deal with it best I can.

Choosing to work throughout this has helped. I can focus my energies on what I need to get done, and forget about the scary stuff. I think the students (especially my first hour) expect me to have lost some energy by now, but hasn't happened. One of them asked me if I feel sick and they were surprised to hear that I didn't really.  A lot of them have never watched someone go through cancer treatments so the only thing they know is what they've seen on movies/tv. We have had to chat about how what happened in "My Sister's Keeper" is NOT the same as I'm going through.

Here is the other thing. I refuse to be sad and mopey, when I have friends who have gone through bigger things in the last couple years and still manage to get through the days. If Ryan can teach every day in the gym where he watched his player pass away, and if Jocelyn can still work in the district where her son died and she and her husband can walk into the gym to watch Mitchell play after all that has happened, then I sure as hell don't get to sit around and feel sorry for myself.

I guess the moral of the story is, I don't feel strong. I just feel like I'm dealing with it the best I can. But, I do appreciate the compliments and it lets me know what I'm doing is going well.